


everybody talks

by sunsetozier



Series: everybody talks universe [1]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: F/F, M/M, SUPER GAY THo, also richie is in pain always because i project my own anguish on him the most, groupchat fic, it has angst, mostly the obvious clueless idiots not realizing they should be dating, my stupid sense of humor will not make you laugh but i will still try, no official plot yet, not a whole lot, there is now somewhat of a plot, this is literally just for me to write during breaks from other wips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 20:54:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16457042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetozier/pseuds/sunsetozier
Summary: even nicer guy:i love wholesome stories from high schoolsnitch bitch:remember when mike was so tired he came to school with his underwear on the outside of his jeanslil dick rich:or when he brought a chicken to school in his backpack and after the teacher asked him what that noise was he just deadfaced went "what noise" as the chicken was still cluckingthe hot one:or my favorite when he was doing his homework outside and dropped it into a pile of cow shit and the next day in class had to tell miss h that he needed a new worksheet because his was Literally Fucking Covered in Cow Shit and she didn't believe him so he brought the shit covered paper to school the next day and tried to turn it in out of spite and she gave him detention for a weekeven nicer guy:AND STORY TIME IS NOW OVER THANKS-look i just wanted something stress free and easy to work on when i need to take a break from other wip's so i made a fucking group chat fic





	1. can't spell eddie without die!

**Author's Note:**

> as of right this second, this is plotless and pointless and literally just something for me to update when i need to take a break from writing my other fics. enjoy actual shitposts and my bad sense of humor.
> 
> the usernames at the very beginning are:  
> nice guy - ben  
> even nicer guy - mike  
> the goddess among us - beverly  
> grandfather loser - stan  
> the hot one - eddie  
> big dick bill - bill  
> lil dick rich - richie

_[ seven dwarves — 7:52 pm ]_

 

 **grandfather loser:** i can’t believe i’m about to say this

 **grandfather loser:** but i can’t fucking wait for halloween to be over

 **the goddess among us:** same but that’s because i’m excited for christmas so we probably have different reasons here

 **lil dick rich:** anyone who wants halloween to be over is dead to me

 **nice guy:** honestly i agree w richie here how could anyone ever want the spooky season to end

 **grandfather loser:** because i fucking hate this chat name and i want it gone

 **even nicer guy:** excuse me you what now

 **big dick bill:** i mean..lowkey i agree but i also feel offended because it’s our traditional halloween chat name so i’m conflicted

 **the goddess among us:** okay but can it be christmas now

 **the hot one:** not yet bev

 **the goddess among us:** >:(

 **lil dick rich:** STAN HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE THIS CHAT NAME IT’S SUCH A THROWBACK

 **grandfather loser:** i hate throwbacks

 **even nicer guy:** said in his true grandpa loser nature

 **grandfather loser:** shut your fuck mike

 **big dick bill:** okay but richie’s right this is a throwback

 **big dick bill:** like a sixth grade throwback

 **grandfather loser:** I HATED THE SIXTH GRADE

 **even nicer guy:** okay same BUT our costumes were iconic

 **nice guy:** i still regret stealing them

 **lil dick rich:** steal from the rich fellas

 **nice guy:** but we stole them from a tiny thrift store in bangor?

 **lil dick rich:** that old lady looked loaded i doubt she missed a few fucking dwarf costumes ben

 **the hot one:** i still can’t believe greta fucking bowie was dressed as snow white that year

 **the goddess among us:** SHE WAS SO PISSED WHEN WE STARTED FOLLOWING HER SINGING THE FUCKING HI HO SONG DJDJSJ

 **lil dick rich:** SHE THREW A FUCKING EGG AT ME

 **even nicer guy:** I FORGOT ABOUT THAT HOLY SHIT

 **big dick bill:** okay but the egg hit you in the eye and you cried for so long that i started crying

 **the hot one:** don’t lie we all started crying because when richie cries it makes everyone sad as fuck

 **grandfather loser:** more reason for me to hate this chat name!!

 **lil dick rich:** well fuck u we’re not changing it until halloween is over because it’s TRADITION

 **the goddess among us:** i dunno i kinda want to change it too

 **lil dick rich:** i

 **lil dick rich:** have never felt so betrayed

 **the hot one:** traditions can be changed richie

 **lil dick rich:** NOT YOU TOO

 **nice guy:** i like this name

 **big dick bill:** i don’t like it but it’s tradition so i don’t wanna change it

 **even nicer guy:** i’m with them i say we keep it

 **the hot one:** i’m pretty indifferent not gonna lie idc if we change it or not

 **grandfather loser:** you guys suck

 **lil dick rich:** majority votes keep eat my ass

 **grandfather loser:** no

 **the goddess among us:** i’d rather not

* * *

_[ seven dwarves — 1:21 am ]_

 

 **grandfather loser:** eddie is lactose intolerant

 **the hot one:** WHAT THE FUCK STAN

 **lil dick rich:** he WHAT

 **lil dick rich:** DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE BOUGHT HIM ICE CREAM

 **lil dick rich:** WHAT THE FUCK !!!!! EDDIE!!!

 **the hot one:** STAN HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU TRAITOR

 **grandfather loser:** i just had a dream where i let you drink chocolate milk and you DIED so i’m done keeping your secret

 **even nicer guy:** wait he

 **even nicer guy:** he????

 **the goddess among us:** yall woke me up bc eddie cant have fuckign milk are u

 **the hot one:** I CAN HAVE MILK BEVERLY

 **the hot one:** i just. am technically not supposed to. but dairy products are too good so i take that weird medicine that’s supposed to help.

 **the hot one:** but it won’t KILL ME it will just make me kinda sick if i'm not careful but it’s not deadly okay

 **grandfather loser:** i trust u to know ur limits but that dream was shit so i had to tell everyone

 **grandfather loser:** plus it’s just safer if everyone is aware

 **even nicer guy:** wait

 **even nicer guy:** so should i stop bringing you hot chocolate in the morning

 **the hot one:** no!! the medicine works just fine and i can still have dairy!!!

 **lil dick rich:** why am i actually deadass crying right now

 **the hot one:** YOURJE CYRIGN?????,?

 **lil dick rich:** ...no

 **the hot one:** WHY ARE YOU CRYIGN

 **lil dick rich:** BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE FUCKGIN LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND NOW I‘M THINKING ABOUT ALL THE TIMES I GAVE U STUFF WITH DAIRY IN IT AND HOW YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN SICK BC OF IT AND ALSO WHY THE FUCK DID STAN GET TO KNOW AND NOT ME BUT THATS JUST ME BEING DUMB SO IGNORE THAT LAST PART

 **the hot one:** i told stan bc i was at his house once and forgot my meds and had ice cream and got a little bit sick

 **the hot one:** and it’s not that bad!!! seriously i’m fine it’s like a very mild intolerance it barely even effects me and even if it did i would gladly die for a bowl of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream

 **big dick bill:** can’t spell eddie without die

 **even nicer guy:** DKHDJSJS

_[ the goddess among us changed the chat name to can’t spell eddie without die! ]_

**lil dick rich:** WH

 **lil dick rich:** WE VOTED TO KEEP THE NAME YOU FUCK

 **lil dick rich:** and EDDIE if ur sure rhen fine but jesusjc rhsit u cant keep medical shit like that from me i just had a fuckgin HEART ATTACK

 **the goddess among us:** this is a better name

 **the hot one:** die

 **the goddess among us:** eddie*

 **grandfather loser:** ive never been this happy before

 **nice guy:** go to SLEEP

 **lil dick rich:** BENNY!! u voted to keep the name back me up here

 **nice guy:** i give literally no fucks about the name just go to bed i am this close to muting this chat jesus FUCKING christ

 **big dick bill:** perhaps ben is anger

 **even nicer guy:** well goodnight i guess

 **the hot one:** sweet dreams to everyone but stan that fucking snitch bitch

_[ lil dick rich changed grandfather loser’s name to snitch bitch ]_

**snitch bitch:** i actually hate this

 **the hot one:** :D

 **lil dick rich:** love u too stanny!


	2. thrice the lesbian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let's go lesbians!! let's go!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise they're in college bc im an adult and i want to rant about my adult issues through their texts thanks for coming to my tedtalk

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 2:13 pm ]_

 

 **the goddess among us:** so here's the deal

 **nice guy:** i'm already afraid

 **big dick bill:** don't be i know exactly what she's about to send and it's amazing

 **the goddess among us:** i was walking to my art history class that i'm only taking because financial aid basically forced me into it for Some Fucking REason

 **the hot one:** hey i took that class last quarter it's a fucking delight

 **the goddess among us:** no i like it it's pretty fun actually

 **the goddess among us:** BUT

 **the goddess among us:** i spotted, with my gay eyes, Lesbians

 **snitch bitch:** i would just like to remind you that not every girl wearing a flannel is a lesbian

 **the goddess among us:** as a lesbian i can say shut your FUCKING mouth

 **big dick bill:** blease let her talk

 **even nicer guy:** honestly i'm intrigued everyone shut up and let the lesbian finish

 **the goddess among us:** i'm buying you two a milkshake thank you sm

 **the goddess among us:** ANYWAY

 **the goddess among us:** so there i was

 **the goddess among us:** Lesbian Watching

 **the goddess among us:** and the two girls i saw were obviously together like they were holding hands and they kissed and i just Silently Swooned because they were both so god damn pretty and i'm So FUCKING GAY and i meant to keep walking but i just like? froze?

 **the goddess among us:** u can ask bill we were walking together bc his math class is in the building next to mine

 **big dick bill:** she looked like a statue it was so funny

 **snitch bitch:** i've witnessed her freezing up at the sight of cute girls

 **lil dick rich:** freezing up? that's nothing. i was the only one who was at the roller rink when she spotted beth for the first time and she forgot to turn and skated directly into the wall and almost puked

 **the goddess among us:** and yet i dated beth for our entire senior year of high school so Fuck Off Tozier

 **the hot one:** remember when she forgot to breathe because she saw that one mystery girl with the angel tattoo on the back of her neck and mike literally had to step in front of her and almost slapped her just to get her to inhale again

 **the goddess among us:** ah. angel girl. my one true love. i hope she is well.

 **even nicer guy:** ur face was purple

 **the goddess among us:** the color of lesbian love

 **nice guy:** your story?

 **the goddess among us:** RIGHT SO

 **the goddess among us:** bill is a shit friend and instead of snapping me out of my Gay Daze he just sat down at the bench on the sidewalk and watched

 **big dick bill:** i almost decided to record the whole thing be fucking grateful marsh

 **the goddess among us:** and after what was probably like a solid minute of be just staring at these beautiful girls in a gay panic they noticed and i think they thought i must have been homophobic at first bc one of them was like "can we fuckin help u" and the inside of my skull was just endless screaming noises and i said "sorry im just gay"

 **the goddess among us:** which is

 **the goddess among us:** NOT what i wanted to say

 **the goddess among us:** but they thought it was funny and laughed and we talked for like three minutes before bill finally came up and said we had to leave or else we'd be late for our classes but they gave me their numbers and i've been texting them and

 **the goddess among us:** i want to date them both

 **the hot one:** beverly i love and support you

 **the hot one:** but you do realize that unless all three of you consent to being in a polyamorous relationship then that won't happen right

 **the goddess among us:** you do realize that i'm a useless lesbian who wouldn't have the guts to even try and start something anyway right

 **the hot one:** you make a fair point. carry on.

 **nice guy:** that's so cute bev holy shit

 **nice guy:** but eddie has a point!! if this is something you really want to pursue you have to use very open communication!! don't leave anything up to interpretation bc you'd all have to be on the same page for it to work!!

 **big dick bill:** ok look we get it bev and i fucked up when we tried dating u in high school u don't have to rub it in

 **nice guy:** NOT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT THANKS FOR MAKING IT CLEAR THAT I AM SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE WILLIAM

 **snitch bitch:** KJFHSKDJFH THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING LIKE IM SO SORRY BEN I KNOW YOU WERE CONFUSED AND LOST AND STRUGGLING BUT THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS

 **lil dick rich:** "we're...dating...?"

 **the goddess among us:** WE THOUGHT HE KNEW!! and this was our freshman year okay i didn't even know i was a suppressed closeted lesbian dating a suppressed closeted pan guy who was crushing on our openly not straight friend and i was like,,,,sure ok this probably won't end badly

 **the hot one:** "ben we've been on five dates" "THOSE WERE DATES?!"

 **big dick bill:** it worked out tho i mean i wouldnt have had the guts to ask ben out without bev

 **the goddess among us:** and seeing u two being all cute made me realize that oh shit i don't like guys so

 **the goddess among us:** a happy ending

 **even nicer guy:** i love wholesome stories from high school

 **snitch bitch:** remember when mike was so tired he came to school with his underwear on the outside of his jeans

 **lil dick rich:** or when he brought a chicken to school in his backpack and after the teacher asked him what that noise was he just deadfaced went "what noise" as the chicken was still clucking

 **the hot one:** or my favorite when he was doing his homework outside and dropped it into a pile of cow shit and the next day in class had to tell miss h that he needed a new worksheet because his was Literally Fucking Covered in Cow Shit and she didn't believe him so he brought the shit covered paper to school the next day and tried to turn it in out of spite and she gave him detention for a week

 **even nicer guys:** AND STORY TIME IS NOW OVER THANKS

* * *

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 9:54 pm ]_

 

 **the goddess among us:** so is being invited to a couples date night at a very classy romantic restaurant like a gay thing or am i looking into it

 **nice guy:** beverly

 **nice guy:** i love you to the moon and back

 **nice guy:** but you're dumb

 **the goddess among us:** we been knew honey now do i dress to impress or not??

 **snitch bitch:** fuck it dress up make them fall in love with you

 **the goddess among us:** you are now on my list of people i am buying a milkshake thank you stanley

 **lil dick rich:** i want a milkshake

 **even nicer guy:** gotta earn it like we did

 **the hot one:** is that was u did?

 **big dick bill:** ouch

 **lil dick rich:** uh. pussy. get that puss.

 **the goddess among us:** that was weak but i appreciate the effort so i will also buy you a milkshake

 **the hot one:** wait bev can i also

 **nice guy:** i kinda want one too

 **the goddess among us:** jesus christ

 **the goddess among us:** alright cuntbags drop your plans we're going to the diner off campus and i'm buying everyone a milkshake and then i can also show you guys my texts with patty and audra and you can tell me if the gay shit it in my head or not

* * *

 

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 1:12 am ]_

**lil dick rich:** so which criminal minds character are you in love with and would also die for in a heartbeat

 **nice guy:** spencer reid

 **snitch bitch:** spencer reid

 **the goddess among us:** spencer reid

 **the hot one:** spencer reid

 **even nicer guy:** spencer reid

 **big dick bill:** spencer reid

 **lil dick rich:** glad we all agree

 


	3. everyone is super fucking gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the different gc's/names:
> 
>  **gay watch:**  
>  beverknee - beverly  
> ben's bitch - bill  
> micoolguy - mike
> 
>  **dumb and dumber:**  
>  dumb - eddie  
> dumber - richie
> 
>  **bisexual alignment chart:**  
>  established bi - stan  
> neutral bi - mike  
> disaster bi - richie

_[ gay watch - 7:23 pm ]_

**beverknee:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **ben’s bitch:** ?????

 **beverknee:** oh shit my first text didnt send lmao hold one

 **beverknee:** _[richie-and-eddie-at-restaurant.jpeg]_

 **beverknee:** WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE

 **micoolguy:** oh lol

 **micoolguy:** this is a double edged sword

 **ben’s bitch:** what the FUCK did you DO mike

 **micoolguy:** HEY DON’T ASSUME THE WORST DICK DON’T FORGET THAT MY SCHEMES ARE WHY YOU AND BEN HAD SUCH A GREAT TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH

 **beverknee:** woah

 **beverknee:** he snapeth

 **ben’s bitch:** you know what? you’re absolutely right. i retract my negativity and instead ask with genuine interest what you have planned here

 **micoolguy:** thank you bill

 **micoolguy:** so

 **micoolguy:** richie and eddie and i were talking about bev’s maybe sort of ???? date with those girls and i got an idea, right?

 **micoolguy:** and i told them that they should go to the restaurant to kind of keep an eye on how things are going

 **micoolguy:** bc idk about everyone else but us three still get nervous after bev’s date with that one piece of shit last year that almost fuckin stabbed a waiter

 **beverknee:** i would say i can handle myself but that was a terrifying experience and i appreciate the concern, go on

 **micoolguy:** i just said that if they were at the same restaurant then they could interfere if anything dangerous like that happens again and i also told them that i Conveniently have plans with stan and can’t go with them

 **micoolguy:** so technically they are there to lowkey spy on you bev but what they don’t know is that i basically just sent them to a super romantic restaurant with reservations underneath Kaspbrak-Tozier and i might have told the staff that it’s their anniversary and to give them Extra Romantic Treatment, i.e. wine and foods for them to share and hopefully roses if they took my request seriously

 **ben’s bitch:** you sneaky bastard

 **ben’s bitch:** bev i know you’re on a kind of date thing right now but PLEASE keep an eye on them and try to sneak more pictures because i NEED to see this

 **beverknee:** MY BACK IS TO THEM THOUGH I ONLY GOT THAT PICTURE BECAUSE I WAS USING MY FRONT FACING CAMERA OVER MY SHOULDER

 **micoolguy:** bill i may or may not be sitting on the curb across the street from the restaurant with a perfect view of their table to see how this goes down if you would like to join me

 **ben’s bitch:** ben wants to know if he can come

 **ben’s bitch:** lol he also just asked what this gc is for should i tell him

 **beverknee:** that we use this groupchat to 1. be gay about our crushes/significant others and 2. meddle in richie and eddie’s lack of love life because they’re dumbasses?

 **beverknee:** yes of course you can tell him

 **micoolguy:** and before he asks no he cannot join the gc this is an Us Thing

 **micoolguy:** tell him that if he tries to complain about not being added to this that i will not hesitate to expose him from our old gay panic groupchat with richie from high school

 **ben’s bitch:** woah what was THAT groupchat for

 **micoolguy:** hmmm i will only expose it if he exposes this one. do we have a deal

 **ben’s bitch:** he says yes

 **micoolguy:** then yes he can come sit with us but if you two start making out i’m throwing you in the street this is about richie and eddie’s relationship not yours

 **ben’s bitch:** fair enough

 **ben’s bitch:** we’re on our way

 **beverknee:** i didn’t see what happened but i just heard richie choke on something and eddie go “WHAT” while their waiter was talking to them so i think we’re missing something important

 **ben’s bitch:** WE’RE ON OUR WAY FASTER

* * *

_[ dumb and dumber - 9:54 pm ]_

**dumber:** haha

 **dumber:** so

 **dumber:** tgat was interesting

 **dumb:** im gonna punch mike

 **dumber:** ????? why

 **dumb:** bc that was embarrassing as FUCK RICHIE THATS WHY

 **dumb:** LIKE

 **dumb:** ARENT U EMBARRASSED THAT WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE

 **dumber:** i mean

 **dumber:** idk yeah i guess sure

 **dumb:** i never wanna go back to that restaurant again holy shit

 **dumber:** i liked their breadsticks

 **dumber:** and bev seemed like she was having a good time w those girls

 **dumber:** so

 **dumber:** worth it?

 **dumb:** barely

 **dumber:** fair enough

 **dumber:** im gonna go to bed

 **dumb:** it’s not even ten yet? and you don’t even have classes tomorrow???

 **dumber:** yea but i’m like super tired lol

 **dumber:** gn eds xx

* * *

_[ can’t spell eddie without die! - 10:01 pm ]_

**the goddess among us:** is four days too soon to say ur in love

 **snitch bitch:** isn’t that a lesbian stereotype

 **snitch bitch:** fuckin. ikea lesbian or whatever. like the stereotype where a lesbian meets a girl and then immediately moves in n gets v serious.

 **the goddess among us:** okay,,,,first of all,,, thats a u-haul lesbian,,, and second of all,,,shut up

 **nice guy:** so did the date go well then

 **the goddess among us:** IT WENT SO WELL EVEN THOUGH I DONT THINK THEY CONSIDERED IT A DATE SINCE I WAS THERE BUT STILL

 **the hot one:** ok look i was there (don’t ask) and i can guarantee that they are both very much into you so you just have to make sure to be open about what you want here and

 **the hot one:** do not forget

 **the hot one:** to cOMMUNICATE!!!

 **snitch bitch:** wtf eddie why were you there???

 **the hot one:** i literally just said don’t ask

 **snitch bitch:** but

 **snitch bitch:** i’m curious

 **even nicer guy:** him n richie went to the restaurant just in case it ended up like the ashley situation from last year

 **snitch bitch:** oh that stabby bitch? yikes okay understandable have a nice day

 **the goddess among us:** idk i still don’t think it’s as gay as i want it to be lol

 **nice guy:** well if richie was there then he can also give some input maybe? since eddie says theyre into u we can see what richie thinks

 **big dick bill:** @richietozier hey

 **big dick bill:** @richietozier i know ur awake u fuck

 **the hot one:** he said he was going to bed like fifteen minutes ago

 **even nicer guy:** that’s,,,,odd

 **the hot one:** yeah idk

 **snitch bitch:** huh

* * *

_[ bisexual alignment chart - 10:09 pm ]_

 

 **established bi:** richard

 **established bi:** ???????

 **disaster bi:** may i help you stanley

 **established bi:** you can tell me what’s wrong

 **disaster bi:** i don’t know what you’re talking about

 **neutral bi:** richie

 **disaster bi:** yes micheal?

 **neutral bi:** cut the shit

 **disaster bi:** yall suck

 **disaster bi:** but. ugh. whatever. fine

 **disaster bi:** basically the waiter at the restaurant was giving us flowers and saying happy anniversary and stuff and i was just playing along bc whatever not a big deal but eddie texted me and said it was really embarrassing and that he never wants to go back to the restaurant again

 **disaster bi:** and like i KNOW he probably just meant that he was caught off guard and felt uncomfortable because of it but like the way he worded it made it feel like he was embarrassed by the idea of being with me like that? which is dumb but

 **disaster bi:** cha boy has been in love for years so that shit hurty

 **neutral bi:** ):

 **established bi:** richie ilysm but you make me so sad sometimes like i wish u didnt think so low of yourself when ur literally one of the best people i have ever met and you deserve to feel Happy n Confident. easier said than done i know but just know that whoever ends up with you will be lucky as hell whether or not that’s eddie okay?

 **neutral bi:** and like you said he most likely didnt even mean it like that. eddie loves u.

 **disaster bi:** but does he love me like i love him????

 **disaster bi:** that is the question

 **neutral bi:** obviously i’m not eddie so i can’t really speak for him but i have eyes and ears and common sense and i can say uhhh yes he does very much so

 **established bi:** ^^^!!! precisely

 **disaster bi:** ,,,,you two make it hard to feel bad abt myself u god damn rays of fuckin sunshine i love u

 **neutral bi:** yeah yeah we know we know

 **neutral bi:** now say something to eddie before he thinks you're mad at him or something because i'm not dealing with both of you being upset in one night

* * *

_[ dumb and dumber - 10:15 pm ]_

 

 **dumber:**  nvm i can't sleep

 **dumber:** wanna ft?

 **dumb:** ofc!! :D

* * *

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 10:16 pm ]_

 

 **lil dick rich:** i agree w eddie they seemed very into you

 **the goddess among us:** so when is it socially acceptable for me to make out with them

 **nice guy:** when they both consent to making out with you, bev

 **nice guy:** which means you should probably talk to them about this

 **the goddess among us:** ...you're right but i don't like it

 **the goddess among us:** it's only been a few days i'm just gonna wait it out a little longer before bringing anything up bc this could honestly just be me being stupidly attracted to two very pretty girls tbfh

 **big dick bill:** if ur sure

* * *

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 12:04 am ]_

 

 **the goddess among us:** so uh

 **the goddess among us:** i have two gorgeous girlfriends now

 **the hot one:** LITERALLY HOW IT'S BEEN TWO HOURS

 **snitch bitch:** sometimes i think beverly is magic

 **nice guy:** bev was it properly communicated ??? ur all on the same page??

 **the goddess among us:** yes

 **nice guy:** then HELL yes i'm happy for you!!

 **lil dick rich:** yo why does bev get two girlfriends and i can't even have like a pet turtle or something @ god pay attention to me dammit

 **even nicer guy:** because you live in a college dorm and would be kicked out if you had a pet

 **lil dick rich:** maybe that's what i'm hoping for mister hanlon

 **big dick bill:** if u get a small pet it can stay at mine and ben's apartment so long as you promise to come over as often as possible to take care of it

 **big dick bill:** and then we can take care of it when u can't

 **lil dick rich:** WAIT REALLY

 **nice guy:** when did i agree to this

 **big dick bill:** hopefully now since you easily could have just turned to me and said "hey bill let's maybe not do that" instead of messaging the gc while we're literally laying down in the same bed

 **nice guy:** ...point made. richie is allowed one small pet.

 **the hot one:** are yall forgetting that the last time richie had a pet it was a rat that he literally named rat bastard or am i the only one who remembers that

 **lil dick rich:** um excuse me?? rat bastard was his rap name, you fucking asshole

 **lil dick rich:** his real name was ratford alan tozier and i still refuse to believe that he just somehow magically escaped his cage while i was at school

 **nice guy:** one more condition, bill and i have to approve of the name of the pet to make sure it isn't too ridiculous

 **snitch bitch:** so are we just not gonna talk about bev having girlfriends now or

 **the goddess among us:** honestly i don't even mind this is too good of a development and i can just tell y'all about it tomorrow

 **snitch bitch:** fair

 **lil dick rich:** i want a cat and i want to name her puppy.

 **even nicer guy:** i

 **even nicer guy:** kind of love that, actually

 **big dick bill:** ben and i just consulted and we approve

 **lil dick rich:** FEELIN THE LOVE IN THIS CHILI'S TONIGHT

 **the hot one:** wow i can't believe bev and richie both got granted pussy in the same night

 **snitch bitch:** i fucking hate

 **the goddess among us:** uhhh i'm a lady??? i wait until the second date to ask about getting down and dirty thank you very much edward

 **snitch bitch:** i fUCKIGN HH

 **snitch bitch:** actually

 **snitch bitch:** nevermind i support that

 **lil dick rich:** puppy's full name will be pupper parker tozier

 **the hot one:** parker as in peter parker?

 **lil dick rich:** yes of course

 **nice guy:** did you watch hoco again

 **lil dick rich:** is that even a question

 **big dick bill:** okay yall i have a test tomorrow so as much as i love spiderman and cats named after peter parker, i am officially declaring that it's shut the fuck up hours and anyone who keeps me awake any longer will receive a pen to the eye at breakfast

 **even nicer guy:** understandable have a nice day

 

 

 


	4. santa's seven hoe hoe hoe's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chat introduced!!
> 
>  **frick and frack:**  
>  frick - richie  
> frack - stan

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 10:05 pm ]_

 

 **the hot one:** so can we change this chat name or

 **lil dick rich:** no

 **nice guy:** no

 **snitch bitch:** no

 **the goddess among us:** no

 **even nicer guy:** no

 **big dick bill:** no

 **the hot one:** i thought that would be your answers but i'm still upset about it

_[ even nicer guy changed their name to mickelback ]_

**snitch bitch:** um

 **snitch bitch:** waht the fc uk is THAT

 **mickelback:** never made it as a wise man,,,,,, i couldnt cut it as a poor man stealing

 **nice guy:** mikes been possessed

 **mickelback:** TIRED OF LIVING LIKE A BLIND MAN,,,, IM SICK OF SIGHT WITHOUT A SENSE OF FEELING

 **mickelback:** AND THIS IS HOW

 **mickelback:** YOU REMIND ME

 **the goddess among us:** MICHEAL STOP THIS RIGHT NOW

 **lil dick rich:** no,,, let him continue

 **the hot one:** mike was humming this song the entire time we were studying together earlier and i deadass made him leave my apartment and i was hoping he'd be tired of it by now but i guess not

 **mickelback:** i shall never tire of good music

 **mickelback:** admit it. you like at least one nickelback song. ADMIT IT YOU FUCKING COWARDS

 **big dick bill:** ....no comment

* * *

_[ can’t spell eddie without die! - 3:01 am ]_

 

 **the goddess among us:** so uh.

 **the goddess among us:** i changed my mind about not changing the chat name

 **the goddess among us:** lemme just

_[ the goddess among us changed the chat name to santa’s seven hoe hoe hoe’s ]_

**the goddess among us:** nice

 **snitch bitch:** i feel like i should be against this but i’m not merry christmas fellas

 **big dick bill:** you dont celebrate christmas

 **snitch bitch:** and yet i both give and recieve christmas presents every single fucking year

 **snitch bitch:** so fuck you

_[ mickelback changed big dick bill’s name to the disrespect ]_

**lil dick rich:** HEY WAIT NO OUR MATCHING NAMES

 **mickelback:** suffer

 **the disrespect:** i’m,,,ofeended, but i deserve it

 **the hot one:** ofeended

 **nice guy:** richie i can fix this for you

  _[ nice guy changed lil dick rich’s name to fucker ]_

 **fucker:** this is solid tbh thank you ben

 **the hot one:** wait why is everyone rebranding at three in the fucking morning

 **fucker:** dw eds i got u

_[ fucker changed the hot one’s name to the hot one ]_

**fucker:** perfect

 **the hot one:** THATS THE SAME FUCKIGN THING TOU PRICK

 **fucker:** no need to change what’s true!!!

 **the hot one:** in that case

_[ the hot one changed fucker’s name to lil dick rich ]_

**the goddess among us:** HOLY FUCKGINSHIT

 **nice guy:** i can’t believe i just witnessed richie being murdered with my own two eyes

 **lil dick rich:** EXCUSE ME THIS IS JUST RUDE

 **mickelback:** GUYS STOP IM GONNA GET YELLED AT IF I WAKE MY ROOMMATE UP LAUGHIGN

 **the hot one:** nO nEeD tO cHaNgE wHaT’s TrUe!!11!1!!11!!1!!

 **the disrespect:** WHY IS EVERYONE BULLYING RICHIES DICK ITS NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO TOU

 **lil dick rich:** THANK YOU BILL THIS IS WHY YOURE MY FAVORITE

 **snitch bitch:** uh

 **snitch bitch:** rude?

 **lil dick rich:** well YOURE not defending my dick right now, are you?? some best friend you are

 **snitch bitch:** okay fine

 **the goddess among us:** wait whats he typing

 **nice guy:** is richie about to get murdered twice

 **snitch bitch:** i personally do not want richie’s dick but i have unfortunately been his closest friend for so long that i am well aware of the fact that it is,,,, not the worst, and he is not deserving of this particular nickname

 **snitch bitch:** now who the fuck is your favorite now, richard

 **lil dick rich:** STAN I FUCKIN LOVE U MAN HOLY SHIT IMSDFKJSH

 **mickelback:** did stanley uris just deadass compliment richie tozier’s penis

 **nice guy:** this is what happens when we’re awake at three in the morning

_[ the hot one changed lil dick rich’s name to fucker ]_

**the hot one:** i’ll take stans word for it

 **the disrespect:** and on that note. goodnight.

 **the goddess among us:** wait one more thing

_[ the goddess among us changed their name to dick-repellent 5000 ]_

**dick-repellent 5000:** okay goodnight merry christmas you hoe hoe hoe’s

* * *

_[ santa’s seven hoe hoe hoe’s - 2:27 pm ]_

 

 **the disrespect:** okay i still think i deserved this but can i just

_[ the disrespect changed their name to waluigi enthusiast ]_

**snitch bitch:** wh

 **snitch bitch:** okay

 **dick-repellent 5000:** what the FUCK is THAT

 **mickelback:** bill is currently angry that waluigi does not have his own game and keeps making waluigi jokes someone please stop him i just wanted help with this essay and now he wont even let me leave i’m a fraid

 **the hot one:** THATS TERRIFYING

 **nice guy:** i swear to god bill if i get home and hear even a single fucking wah from you i’m kicking you out of the apartment for a week

 **waluigi enthusiast:** ,,,,,,

_[ waluigi enthusiast changed their name to ily ben ]_

**nice guy:** better

 **the hot one:** actually uh

_[ the hot one changed ily ben’s name to ben’s sub ]_

_[ the hot one changed nice guy’s name to bill’s dom ]_

**fucker:** OH MY FUCKING GOD EDS

 **fucker:** i mean ur right but hOLY SHIT

 **dick-repellent 5000:** okay i’m gonna change one more nickname and then we have to swear to not change them for at least a week okay

 **ben’s sub:** wait bev

 **bill’s dom:** um

 **dick-repellent 5000:** AT LEAST A WEEK!! and then we can change our names to festive puns. deal?

 **fucker:** deal

 **snitch bitch:** i mean this nickname has kind of grown on me but deal

 **mickelback:** reluctant but deal

 **bill’s dom:** welp okay sure

 **the hot one:** deal

 **ben’s sub:** i’m down

 **dick-repellent 5000:** okay good

_[ dick-repellent 5000 changed the hot one’s name to dick magnet ]_

**dick-repellent 5000:** i wanted to match w someone and i saw u flirtin w that dude in the hall in the dorms so

 **dick magnet:** PFFKGJDH

 **dick magnet:** im actually ok w this

 **fucker:** wait i wanna match with someone

 **dick-repellent 5000:** sucks for you no name changes for a week

 **fucker:** ))):

* * *

_[ frick and frack - 2:45 pm ]_

 

 **frick:** am sad

 **frack:** ???

 **frick:** i’ll tell u irl

 **frick:** can i come over

 **frick:** please

 **frack:** yeah of course rich

 **frack:** comfort food?

 **frick:** yes please

 **frack:** what kind. desserts, dinner, breakfast...

 **frick:** mmmm dinner

 **frick:** pasta

 **frack:** i’ll start boiling the noodles then

 **frick:** thank u ily stanny

 **frack:** <3

* * *

_[ santa’s seven hoe hoe hoe’s - 5:31 pm ]_

 

 **snitch bitch:** just a heads up to everyone

 **snitch bitch:** don’t watch john mulaney while eating pasta because you WILL choke on a noodle

 **snitch bitch:** i’ve had to actually save richie’s life like twelve times so far and we just started his second special

 **dick magnet:** ooo pasta sounds good

 **dick magnet:** got any extras?

 **snitch bitch:** no sorry ):

 **bill’s dom:** we got the stuff to make fettuccine if u want to come over here eddie

 **dick magnet:** oh HELL yes

 **mickelback:** may i uhhh joineth

 **dick-repellent 5000:** wait me too pls

 **ben’s sub:** yea come on over it’ll b a loser party

 **snitch bitch:** richie and i are having a Much Needed one on one night so we cannot join u but enjoy ur fettuccine

 **bill’s dom:** we’ll bring you two left overs tomorrow?

 **snitch bitch:** richie says he would like that and thank you

 **dick magnet:** why isnt richie using his own phone

 **dick magnet:** he hasnt been answering my texts for hours lol ??

 **snitch bitch:** he turned it off for the night sry

 **dick magnet:** oh. okay

 **mickelback:** how much fettuccine are we talkin

 **ben’s sub:** a uh,,, how do you say,,,,

 **ben’s sub:** a Fucking Shit Ton of fettuccine

 **mickelback:** i am at ur door let me in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for some reason the only slight sprinkling of angst i've included is just reddie and i have not developed stanlon quite yet,,,,, hmm
> 
> will work on that next chappy


	5. pupper parker the cat

_[ santa’s seven hoe hoe hoe’s — 3:59 pm ]_

 

 **fucker:** BILL AND BEN ARE NOW MY PARENTS AND I FUCKING LOVE THEM

 **fucker:** LOOK!!!

 **fucker:** _[fluffy-black-kitten.jpeg]_

 **fucker:** PUPPER PARKER TOZIER HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO HER TEMPORARY HOME WHERE SHE WILL LIVE UNTIL I NO LONGER LIVE IN A DORM

 **dick-repellent 5000:** SHES SO CUTE OH MY GOD

 **mickelback:** THAT LIL NOSE!!! SO BOOPABLE!!!

 **ben’s sub:** she hasnt stopped purring since richie picked her up at the shelter it was fate

 **dick magnet:** CAN I HOLD HER PLS

 **bill’s dom:** if you wanna come over we literally JUST got home with her

 **snitch bitch:** this is such an upgrade from richie’s rat

 **fucker:** dont be rude to ratford i bet he’s still out there thriving somewhere

 **snitch bitch:** ratford bit me and i’m still mad

 **fucker:** SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT RATFORD OR YOU WONT BE ALLOWED NEAR PUPPY

 **snitch bitch:** ,,,,,ratford is a very creative name i liked that about him

 **fucker:** weak but acceptable you may meet this sweet baby angel kitten that already owns my entire heart

 **bill’s dom:** so is anyone gonna come over to meet her or no bc we’re about to order takeout and need to know how much to get

 **dick magnet:** getting in my car rn i will be there in two minutes

 **ben’s sub:** you live ten minutes away

 **dick magnet:** TWO MINUTES

 **mickelback:** eddie can u pick me up on the way its too cold to walk

 **dick magnet:** mayhaps three minutes as i am now picking up one mr hanlon

 **dick-repellent 5000:** uh. mayhaps? me?

 **dick magnet:** and one miss marsh. five minutes.

 **snitch bitch:** i will also be there soon but i do not need a ride

 **dick magnet:** good because i don't have the patience to pick up three people when there's a kitten to meet

 **fucker:** SSHEJ UST FELEL ASLEP ON ME IM GOGING TO C RY

 **ben’s sub:** _[richie-crying-with-puppy-asleep-on-his-chest.jpeg]_

 **ben’s sub:** he’s been crying since he picked her up dont let his text fool you

 **fucker:** sHUT UP I LVOE HER

* * *

_[ dumb and dumber - 5:08 pm ]_

 

 **dumb:** so

 **dumb:** i had a thought

 **dumber:** a thot???

 **dumb:** no seriously richie i have an idea

 **dumber:** ,,okay i am listening

 **dumb:** i have an apartment

 **dumber:** that you do

 **dumb:** you want to move out of the dorms asap

 **dumber:** you are correct good sir

 **dumb:** my apartment has a second room bc i meant to get a roommate to split the rent with when i moved in but never found anyone i trusted

 **dumber:** ,,,eddie where are u going w this

 **dumb:** so just live with me

 **dumber:** i

 **dumber:** ??? fuck seriously???

 **dumber:** you wouldnt like murder me or something???

 **dumber:** bc my roommate fucking HATES me and i'm convinced he's plotting my murder

 **dumb:** i haven’t murdered you yet why would i now

 **dumber:** a fair point to make

 **dumber:** but like actually are you sure

 **dumb:** 100% certain. i’ve been considering asking you about this since you complained about your roommate to me a few weeks ago but you looked so sad having to leave ben and bills place without bringing puppy with you and my apartment allows cats so

 **dumb:** it would all work out yk? it just makes sense and i know we’ll have no problems living together bc we shared a dorm for two years

 **dumber:** MAN I WAS ALREADY CRYING BC PUPPY BUT YOU GOT ME EVEN MORE WEEPY

 **dumber:** I WOULD LITERALLY BE SO FUCKING HAPPY TO LIVE WITH YOU YOURE MY FAVORITE HUMAN BEING EVER

 **dumb:** fpidjsnns you don’t have to be so DRAMATIC it’s just practical calm down

 **dumber:** shut up don’t act like you’re not just as excited as i am

 **dumb:** ,.,,,,.,,i h ave,,,.,, No o iddea whAt youre t alkgin about,,,

* * *

_[ bisexual alignment chart - 5:14 on ]_

 

 **disaster bi:** IM GONNA MOVE IN WITH EDDIE

 **disaster bi:** GUYS

 **disaster bi:**  ONE OF YOU ANSWER ME IM FULL OF SO MUCH ADRENALINE IM GOING TO PUNCH A WALL JUST TO GET RID OF THIS ENERGY PLS IM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED

 **disaster bi:** HEY ASSHOLES

 **disaster bi:** guys

 **disaster bi:** are u two like. dead.

 **disaster bi:** theres no way both of your phones are off at the same exact time and its wAY too early for you two to be asleep

 **disaster bi:** guys?

* * *

_[ frick and frack - 6:31 pm ]_

 

 **frack:** richie

 **frick:** JESUS CHRIST YOU‘RE ALIVE FUCK

 **frick:** wHERE THE FUCK HAVE U BEEN I HAVE NEWS

 **frack:** yeah i saw but uh

 **frack:** i have a,,, Dilemma

 **frick:** ??? are you ok???

 **frack:** yeahyeahyeah

 **frack:** just um

 **frack:** okay

 **frick:** stan whats going on

 **frack:** i might have impulsively kissed mike after we left ben and bill’s and then immediately ran away

 **frack:** and also i might currently be ignoring all of his attempts to contact me for the past two hours

 **frick:** oh shit

 **frack:** oh shit is correct

* * *

_[ santa’s seven hoe hoe hoe’s - 7:25 pm ]_

 

 **dick-repellent 5000:** patty just brought me a kids meal from mcdonalds because im the shortest out of me her and audra

 **dick-repellent 5000:** im offended but im also very gay so whats a gal to do ya know

 **dick-repellent 5000:** update audra just texted me and said it was her idea so im twice as offended but twice as gay

 **mickelback:** beverly i love your girlfriends

 **ben’s sub:** when can we meet them officially

 **dick-repellent 5000:** when theyre not bullying me which is NEVER

 **dick-repellent 5000:** syke i was actually gonna invite all of u to my place this weekend to introduce you guys but you didn't hear it from me


	6. seven vagania's

_[ santa's seven hoe hoe hoe's - 2:59 am ]_

 

 **ben's sub:** i am making an executive decision while everyone is asleep

_[ ben's sub changed the chat name to can't spell eddie without die! ]_

**ben's sub:** there's still a month and a half until christmas and quite frankly i missed this name because it's fucking hilarious

 **ben's sub:** good night

* * *

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 9:26 am ]_

 

 **mickelback:** hey ben

 **mickelback:** how's bill feeling after being awake at three in the morning the night before his english exam

 **bill's dom:** like shit, thanks for asking

 **ben's sub:** my entire skull hurts

 **dick-repellent 5000:** dumbass

 **ben's sub:** oh rlly? and when did yOU go to bed, hm? because if i remember correctly you sent me a cat video at 2 am

 **dick-repellent 5000:** yes but i have actual insomnia and i also don't have an exam today so

 **dick-repellent 5000:** eat my ass denbrough

 **fucker:** first of all, bill i appreciate and support the decision to change the chat name back to this

 **fucker:** second of all, the only ass bill eats is his boyfriends so you might wanna hop back bev

 **fucker:** besides didnt u already date him? let it go

 **snitch bitch:** i hate that i read the second of all with my own two eyes

 **ben's sub:** gonna be real, not an ass eater

 **ben's sub:** not my cup of tea thanks

 **dick magnet:** but ass is a full course meal?

 **snitch bitch:** brb currently drowning myself

 **fucker:** stanley stop the theatrics and tell us if you're an ass eater or not

 **mickelback:** why is this a topic that is being discussed

 **bill's dom:** i don't know but i can't deny my curiosity to find out who is willing to eat ass and who is not

 **ben's sub:** i already answered and i have an exam to take so yall have fun with this

 **fucker:** i, for one, would happily eat ass for dinner every night

 **dick-magnet 5000:** that's not even a little bit surprising

 **snitch bitch:** i mean i hate this conversation but i'm definitely not against it since we're sharing

 **mickelback:** BUT WHY ARE WE SHARING

 **fucker:** just answer the question

 **fucker:** eating ass, yes or no

 **dick magnet:** big yes

 **mickelback:** i mean yeah i guess

 **dick-repellent 5000:** imma say no bc eating ass is not exactly all that great for lesbian

 **dick-repellent 5000:** all about the vagania

 **fucker:** EIGHT LEGS

 **snitch bitch:** SEVEN VAGANIAS

 **dick-repellent 5000:** FUCK I DIDNT THINK ANY OF YOU WOULD KNOW THAT VIDEO IM SO PROUD

 **bill's dom:** what

 **bill's dom:** waht the fuck

 **dick magnet:** is that the fuckgin little mermaid thing that richie tried to show me last week

 **fucker:** IM STILL MAD THAT YOU DIDNT WATCH IT

 **fucker:** ITS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING IVE EVER SEEN

 **mickelback:** THAT VIDEO HAUNTS ME IN MY DREAMS

 **snitch bitch:** deadass fell off the couch crying when i saw it

 **bill's dom:** im so confused

 **fucker:** i'll show u when i come over later

 **bill's dom:** ur coming over later??

 **fucker:** yea i gotta pick up puppy

 **bill's dom:** pick her up for what

 **fucker:** to take her home,,??

 **dick magnet:** oh fuck

 **dick magnet:** richie i dont think we told anyone lmao

 **fucker:** no i definitely told

 **snitch bitch:** u told me and mike but neither of you have mentioned it here

 **fucker:** OH FUCK

 **bill's dom:** WHAT IS HAPPENING

 **dick magnet:** i asked richie to live w me since i have a second room in my apartment so that he can get out of the dorms and keep puppy w him

 **fucker:** i just finished moving in last night lmao

 **fucker:** i cant believe we fuckin forgot to tell everyone

 **dick-repellent 5000:** must admit, i am disappointed. i jumped to conclusions on that announcement and thought it would be something different.

 **snitch bitch:** mmmm tea

 **fucker:** shut the hell your mouth

 **mickelback:** ((((:

 **snitch bitch:** ((((((((;

 **fucker:** SHUT THE HELL YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I EXPOSE U ASSHOLES

 **mickelback:** you have NOTHING on me

 **fucker:** u fool

 **fucker:** u absolute god damn dumbass FOOL

 **dick magnet:** i think richie has blackmail on all of us

 **bill's dom:** he really does it's kind of scary

 **fucker:** it's not my fault i'm just so nice and trustworthy and everyone tells me all of their secrets

 **dick-repellent 5000:** u are really good to open up to tbh

 **dick-repellent 5000:** literally after audra and patty met you guys, they stayed at my place for the night and patty kind of just

 **dick-repellent 5000:** woke up at like one in the morning

 **dick-repellent 5000:** woke me and audra up

 **dick-repellent 5000:** and said "i told richie about my childhood trauma and i don't know why"

 **mickelback:** damn you richie and your stupid kind eyes making people open up to you so easily

 **snitch bitch:** he's just really good at keeping secrets like he can be obvious but he knows how to hide the things he has to and it's terrifying because like

 **snitch bitch:** what's under the surface

 **snitch bitch:** who is he

 **fucker:** i don't know her

 **dick magnet:** under the surface is just an endless screaming of curse words

 **fucker:** you're probably right tbh

* * *

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 3:42 pm ]_

 

 **dick-repellent 5000:** if we cant have a christmas chat name yet then we should at least have our holiday pun names

 **dick-repellent 5000:** which means

_[ dick-repellent 5000 changed their name to bevnog ]_

**fucker:** oh HELL yes

_[ fucker changed their name to richmas tree ]_

_[ richmas tree changed dick magnet's name to merry edsmas ]_

**merry edsmas:** uhh i had my own name picked out u ass

 **richmas tree:** is it better than this one

 **merry edsmas:** it was edolph like rudolph so,.. u know what this is actually way better thank u

_[ bill's dom changed their name to snowben ]_

**snowben:** who's ready to listen to frank sinatra and slow dance in the living room while it snows outside

 **ben's sub:** ME

_[ ben's sub changed their name to jingle bills ]_

**merry edsmas:** that so cute wtF you two need to stop being the cutest couple to ever exist

_[ mickelback changed their name to saint michealous ]_

**snitch bitch:** i have been waiting all year for this

 **snitch bitch:** i might cry

_[ snitch bitch changed their name to gingerbread stan ]_

**richmas tree:** stans undying love for christmas is what makes the world go round

 **gingerbread stan:** i demand hot chocolate and snow and christmas movies

 **snowben:** dont forget that its still not even halfway through november

 **jingle bills:** you JUST mentioned frank sinatra and slow dancing while it snows dont you DARE take that back now

 **snowben:** oh im not

 **snowben:** im just saying

 **snowben:** it doesn't usually snow here until like late december or january remember

 **merry edmas:** yeah but it also isnt like a horrible deadly blizzard every year like it would have been if we all went to nyu

 **bevnog:** here here! to choosing uw instead! cheers!

* * *

_[ frick and frack - 8:34 pm ]_

 

 **frick:** i have a question

 **frack:** that's always a nerve wracking thing to hear

 **frack:** what's ur question

 **frick:** did u and mike like,,,, talk about what happened?

 **frick:** bc u two seem to be fine now but like i thought this was gonna go somewhere

 **frick:** like u two have been stupidly into each other since mike stopped being homeschooled and you started hanging out with him every day

 **frick:** n like,,, i've been waiting for something to happen with yall

 **frick:** and i thought this was it

 **frick:** but it doesn't look like you two are together

 **frick:** so,,,???? what is up with that shit

 **frack:** i mean we didnt really talk about it tbh

 **frack:** like after i stopped ignoring his texts, he asked me why i kissed him and i just said idk

 **frack:** because i honest to god have no clue why i did it

 **frack:** like i've been resisting the urge to do that for five years, so wtf why did i just. impulsively kiss him now.

 **frack:** and then he was just like "oh okay" and we havent mentioned it since

 **frick:** i am disappointed by the lack of romance

 **frick:** but i am glad it at least didnt become awkward or anything

 **frack:** i mean eddie kissed you during our senior year, remember?

 **frack:** and everyone thought that was gonna be the turning point for u two and that you'd get together but you didn't

 **frick:** unfortunately yes

 **frack:** but u two still can hang out just fine so it's like

 **frack:** it's weird being in love with one of your best friends because you want to kiss them and be romantic but you also love just hanging out with them so you don't really mind not being a couple you know?

 **frick:** did you just

 **frick:** did you just say you're in love with mike

 **frack:** did i?

 **frack:** oh fuck i did

 **frick:** are you???

 **frack:** are you in love with eddie?

 **frick:** i mean yeah. we been knew.

 **frick:** that was a really bad attempt at changing the subject

 **frack:** it really was pffkjfhskdj

 **frick:** are you gonna answer my question?

 **frack:** i don't know

 **frick:** you don't know what? if you're in love with mike or if you're gonna answer my question?

 **frack:** neither

 **frack:** both?

 **frack:** fuck

* * *

_[ lesbian revolution - 10:29 pm ]_

 

 **blondie:** bevbev

 **short stack:** may i help u

 **blondie:** BEVBEV!!

 **intellectual:** she is perhaps a little drunk

 **blondie:** AUDIE!!1!

 **short stack:** oh god

 **short stack:** define a little

 **blondie:** iw anta eat

 **blondie:** a cake

 **blondie:** whole cake

 **intellectual:** uh,,,, perhaps wasted

 **intellectual:** or at least definitely getting there

 **blondie:** chcoolate c cake

 **short stack:** patty do u want me to bring u some cake

 **blondie:** YS

 **blondie:** peLEASE

 **short stack:** i will bring u a cake

 **intellectual:** we're at my place

 **short stack:** noted will be there asap

* * *

_[ can't spell eddie without die! - 10:35 pm ]_

 

 **bevnog:** anyone wanna give me a ride to walmart so i can buy a cake

 **merry edsmas:** why,,,, do u need a cake. at 10:30 at night.

 **bevnog:** patty is drunk and wants a cake

 **merry edsmas:** understandable have a nice day

 **saint michealous:** i can give u a ride

 **saint michealous:** i was gonna go get some ice cream n shit anyway so

 **bevnog:** u really are a saint thank u

 **richmas tree:** guys i already loved puppy but now that she is livin with me i am even more in love w her

 **richmas tree:** she is ASLEEP on my PILLOW

 **richmas tree:** i actually screamed when i walked in and saw her because she's so fucking cUTE

 **merry edsmas:** THAT'S WHAT THAT WAs?

 **merry edsmas:** i thought u broke something but i was afraid to check pfjskhfkj

 **gingerbread stan:** IN NEED OF GAY ADVICE

 **snowben:** i think that's the only advice we can offer?

 **gingerbread stan:** SHIT

 **gingerbread stan:** WRONG CHAT

 **jingle bills:** we can still offer gay advice

 **richmas tree:** oh god stan waht did u do now

 **gingerbread stan:** shut the FUCK UP AND ANSWER MY TEXTS IM HAVING A FUCKING CRISIS

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u havent seen the seven vagania's video LOOK IT UP IT IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER


	7. the angsty chapter lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why did this get angsty? idk. i just wanted to get stanlon together in a realistic kind of way and then this happened.
> 
> NEW CHAT ALERT! NEW CHAT ALERT!
> 
>  **royalty** :  
> princess: beverly  
> prince: eddie

_[ Richie Tozier added Bill Denbrough, Ben Hanscom, Eddie Kaspbrak, and Beverly Marsh to a group chat - 11:06 pm ]_

_[ Richie Tozier changed the chat name to it’s oh shit o’clock ]_

**Richie Tozier:** alright losers we have an issue

 **Eddie Kaspbrak:** ew hold on

_[ Eddie Kaspbrak changed Richie Tozier’s name to rich ]_

_[ Eddie Kaspbrak changed Beverly Marsh’s name to bev ]_

_[ Eddie Kaspbrak changed Ben Hanscom’s name to benny ]_

_[ Eddie Kaspbrak changed Bill Denbrough’s name to billy ]_

_[ Eddie Kaspbrak changed their name to eddie ]_

**eddie:** okay go on

 **rich:** are u fuckin

 **rich:** this is SERIOUS

 **benny:** what’s the issue?

 **rich:** well now there are two issues

 **billy:** what are they???

_[ rich changed eddie’s name to eds ]_

**rich:** that was one of them

 **eds:** dick

 **rich:** ANYWAY

 **rich:** so here's the deal

 **bev:** wtf is happening rn

 **rich:** this is gonna be a long winded message so just bare with me while i type it out okay

 **benny:** okay

 **rich:** alright so the day that i adopted puppy and we all hung out at ben and bill’s place mike and stan left together and bc stan lives closer mike walked him home and stan like instinctively kissed him and then ran away bc he didnt mean to kiss him and mike asked him why he kissed him and he said idk and then they didnt talk about it more after that and they’ve been acting fine like it wasnt a super big deal or anything BUT THEN today when stan was at work there was a guy hitting on him and i guess stan was like lowkey into it but he started freaking out because he is deadass in love with mike (he’s still kind of iffy about that tho like he told me he’s in love with mike and then he panicked about it) and now he’s like literally having a fucking anxiety attack because the guy asked him on a date and he wants to say no bc mike but he also doesnt want to just forever be hung up on mike if it’s never gonna lead anywhere and he asked me to come over to help him figure out what to do so i’m at his apartment rn and part of me wants him to say no because i know for a fact that mike is into stan but i also want him to say yes because being so hung up on mike for so long without anything happening is starting to just do more damage than anything else and i don’t know how to help so i asked him if i could consult with all of you so long as all of you PROMISE not to tell mike and that’s why i made this gc and he’s calmed down a bit but he’s like still kind of crying and it’s breaking my fucking heart so please someone help me help him

 **bev:** holy fuck richie

 **eds:** stan ))):

 **rich:** please

 **rich:** i cant offer the advice he needs please

 **benny:** okay

 **benny:** richie, ask stan what the odds of him making a move on mike are? like will he be able to actually ask mike out or is he too afraid

 **rich:** he says he wants to and has tried but he always gets nervous and backs out or he words it wrong and mike thinks it’s just a normal friendly dinner invite

 **benny:** but with this new insight, would he be able to at least text mike about it? or just admit his feelings in some way?

 **billy:** i see where ben is going w this

 **billy:** i think the best thing here is for stan to establish if anything is going to happen with mike or not

 **billy:** because like we all know that mike is into stan and bev and i personally know that he is definitely crushing and has been for a while but mike has also expressed how he’s not sure if he really wants to commit to a relationship until after college is over because he’s so focused on school and work and stuff

 **benny:** even if it’s just a text i think stan’s best choice is to make sure mike is aware of his feelings and just ask if mike wants to try being together now or not

 **benny:** if mike isn’t ready now, then stan can decide if he’d rather stay single and wait until mike is ready or if he’d like to go on this date and potentially move on from mike entirely

 **benny:** or, more likely, just casually date other people until mike is ready for them to be serious, because if stan really is in love with mike then moving on won’t be that easy

 **bev:** i wanna input that it’s very vital to make sure stan and mike don’t try to place blame on each other and that we don’t try to place blame on one of them while siding with the other because both of their sides on this are very very valid and right and neither of them are doing anything wrong

 **rich:** oh no i would never get mad at mike abt this like i know stan is basically my brother and i’m definitely going to stick by him to help him through this but mike is family too and i would never try to say this is his fault

 **rich:** like lmao i’ve been in almost this exact situation and i never got mad at the person who was in mike’s position so why would i get mad at mike for something that’s not his fault

 **bev:** ))): yall make me sad yk that

 **eds:** same situation?? when were u in the same situation what

 **rich:** i mean

 **rich:** not the exact same

 **rich:** just very similar

 **rich:** also bev stan promises that he’s not mad at mike or anything either he just can’t figure out what to do and he’s scared that telling mike how he feels could be interpreted as him trying to pressure mike into a relationship

 **billy:** hmm that makes sense sometimes miscommunication just happens without meaning to

 **eds:** im still lost when the fuck were u in a similar situation richie whaT

 **rich:** eddie i adore u to pieces but can we focus on this right now and discuss that later

 **rich:** because stan is starting to reach this whole new level of panic and anxiety that he’s starting to shut down and when he does that it takes fucking weeks to get him to open up again

 **rich:** so we need to think of something fast

 **eds:** okay okay right sorry

 **eds:** i agree with what bill and ben said

 **eds:** and if stan is scared of accidentally coming across as pressuring or something then maybe one of us can talk to mike

 **eds:** just to make sure it’s clear yk?

 **benny:** if stan’s okay with that then i think that’d actually be really helpful

 **rich:** stan says that’s fine

 **rich:** who wants to talk to mike then?

 **bev:** bill and i can take care of that

 **billy:** yeah we’re on it

 **rich:** let me know how it goes asap please

* * *

_[ gay watch - 11:23 pm ]_

 

 **ben’s bitch:** hey mike

 **ben’s bitch:** u awake?

 **micoolguy:** that i am hello

 **beverknee:** we need to talk to you

 **beverknee:** which sounds scary but it is pretty serious so

 **ben’s bitch:** it’s abt stan

 **micoolguy:** what about him?

 **micoolguy:** is he okay?

 **beverknee:** mmmm that’s debatable

 **ben’s bitch:** to be more specific it’s about you and stan and ur relationship

 **ben’s bitch:** so we know stan kissed you a couple week ago

 **micoolguy:** oh

 **micoolguy:** how do you know about that?

 **ben’s bitch:** that’s the thing uh

 **ben’s bitch:** bev?

 **beverknee:** pussy

 **micoolguy:** guys seriously whats going on rn

 **beverknee:** alright mikey make sure you’re sitting down for this because it’s a doozy

* * *

_[ dumb and dumber - 11:27 pm ]_

 

 **dumb:** hey

 **dumb:** i totally understand if you don’t want to talk about this right now because you’re with stan and all that but

 **dumb:** i’m still kind of just? unsure about what you said about being in a similar situation? because idk i just i thought that if you were ever in a situation like that you’d tell me about it

 **dumb:** but then again you’ve never really talked to me about ur relationship stuff so i guess it makes sense but still just

 **dumb:** idk i’m just confused and kinda curious and definitely concerned i guess

 **dumber:** you're cute when you're clueless

 **dumb:** ?

 **dumb:** what the hell does that mean?

 **dumber:** nothin eds

 **dumber:** i cant really talk rn stan needs me to keep him distracted while we wait to see how bill and bev’s talk with mike goes

 **dumb:** okay yeah of course that’s fine

 **dumb:** tell stan i love him and that i know he’s gonna be ok no matter what happens

 **dumber:** will do eddie boy

 **dumber:** he says thank you

* * *

_[ gay watch - 11:57 pm ]_

 

 **micoolguy:** so

 **micoolguy:** to summarize

 **micoolguy:** stan is afraid to tell me he likes me because he doesn’t want to sound like he’s trying to pressure me into dating him

 **micoolguy:** but he also got asked out on a date and he doesn’t know what to do because he likes me?

 **beverknee:** i mean that’s a VERY simplified version of the situation at hand but essentially yes

 **ben’s bitch:** we just need to know where you stand on pursuing a relationship with stan

 **ben’s bitch:** because you’ve mentioned how you don’t think you want to date until after graduation but you’ve also been so far gone for stan for so long that i’m not sure if you’d still want to wait if it’s him, yk?

 **ben’s bitch:** and richie said something about how this going nowhere with you thing is starting to like have a negative impact on stan so if you’re still planning to wait then i think it would be good for stan to go on this date even if it doesn’t lead anywhere or just results in like a very casual short relationship or smth

 **micoolguy:** fuck

 **micoolguy:** i dont know

 **beverknee:** that’s okay

 **beverknee:** just talk us through your thoughts here, okay? let us know what you’re thinking

 **micoolguy:** i just

 **micoolguy:** i really like stan

 **micoolguy:** i have for probably about four years now, maybe even more? and i just kind of never considered that he would feel the same

 **micoolguy:** and then he kissed me and i thought that holy shit this is?? happening??

 **micoolguy:** but when i asked him WHY he kissed me he just said he didn’t know and i was just kind of like oh okay so it’s not actually like A Thing it just happened and i didn’t question it because i figured like a kiss is more than i ever thought i’d get so why try for more

 **ben’s bitch:** so what do you want to do now?

 **micoolguy:** i think

 **micoolguy:** i think waiting would be stupid if i have the chance to be with stan now

 **ben’s bitch:** oh thank god

 **beverknee:** what do you want us to report back to mister uris then, my dear mikey?

 **micoolguy:** tell him i want to set up an official date

* * *

_[ it’s oh shit o’clock - 12:06 am ]_

 

 **bev:** hey rich?

 **rich:** fuck please have good news

 **bev:** ask stan when and where he wants his first date with mike to be

 **eds:** i think i just started crying

 **rich:** i definitely did holy fucking shit

 **rich:** oh god stan is so happy fuck thank you

 **benny:** (((‘:

 **billy:** i meant it when i said we could offer gay advice!!

 **billy:** thats @ you too richie

 **bev:** PFNDJSJ

 **rich:** actually literally fuck off

 **benny:** oh

 **eds:** ??? this is a happy moment why are u being pissy richard it was just a joke lmao

 **rich:** oh buddy it was so not a joke

 **rich:** i’m gonna tell stan to get ahold of mike to set up that date and then i’m gonna crash on his couch or something

 **rich:** thank you guys again seriously i love being the one people go to for these things but i would not have been able to help stan with this without you guys ilysm gn

* * *

_[ royalty - 12:21 am ]_

 

 **prince:** bev i have a question

 **princess:** what’s ur question eddie my dear?

 **prince:** what did i do to make richie so mad at me?

 **princess:** ?? richie isnt mad at u

 **princess:** i dont think he’s physically capable of being mad at you tbfh

 **princess:** why do you think he’s mad at you?

 **prince:** idk just 

 **prince:** things feel weird and i think it’s my fault but i don’t know how?

 **prince:** like

 **prince:** okay

 **prince:** for example

 **prince:** his whole comment about being in a similar situation? i’m ?? what the fuck?? when was he in a situation like stan’s and how did i have no clue? i’ve literally never even heard him talk about a crush or anything before, other than occasionally pointing out an attractive person or celebrity or something

 **prince:** and like idk it’s totally his choice to come to me about relationship stuff or not but i always talk to him about that kind of stuff and i just figured that bigger things i would know about and the way he worded it and the fact that none of you seem surprised makes it feel like i’m the only one who didn’t know and???

 **prince:** idk. the only explanation i can think of is that i did something to make him mad or make him not trust me.

 **princess:** eddie

 **princess:** i love u so god damn much

 **princess:** but i think you are the blindest person i know

 **princess:** and richie has fucking bifocals because his eyes are already so fucked so that says a lot

 **prince:** i !! what!! the FUCK!! does that MEAN!!!

 **prince:** when i asked richie about this he just said i’m cute when i’m clueless and then he said he had to focus on stan and i jsut!!!

 **prince:** beverly please i’m losing my fucking mind here whatever i’m not seeing just tell me

 **princess:** christ

 **princess:** okay but if anyone asks you figured this out on your own and you cannot tell anyone that i told you for five years

 **prince:** wtf why five years

 **princess:** because keeping secrets forever is unrealistic and five years is long enough that learning the truth that far down the road won’t make anyone mad at me for spilling

 **princess:** do we have a deal?

 **prince:** okay yeah yes we have a deal now tell me what i’m not realizing before i explode

 **princess:** okay

 **princess:** our senior year of high school, you got drunk and kissed richie, remember?

 **prince:** no but i remember everyone telling me about it the next morning

 **princess:** fair enough

 **princess:** but anyway

 **princess:** i’m not going to spell this out for you, but i want you to think about some very specific things and then tell me how they’re similar to what stan and mike just went through

 **princess:** can you do that?

 **prince:** i??? guess????

 **princess:** good

 **princess:** you and richie kissed. similarities?

 **prince:** stan and mike kissed

 **princess:** correct.

 **princess:** throughout our entire senior year, you went on and on about how you couldn’t wait to move away from derry and meet cute guys but that you didn’t want to commit to a relationship for a while because you never really had the chance to mess around and discover yourself in high school and you wanted to give yourself the chance to do that. similarities?

 **prince:** mike thinking about not wanting to date anyone until after finishing college?

 **princess:** exactly

 **princess:** after we told you about you kissing richie the first thing you did was text him, make a “joke” out of it and apologize saying that you didn’t know why you kissed him. similarities?

 **prince:** uhh stan saying he didn’t know why he kissed mike, i’m guessing?

 **princess:** yeah. so can you see where i’m going with this?

 **prince:** i mean yeah but i’m still confused

 **princess:** tell me what the similaries are in your own words. really think about it while you do.

 **prince:** okay???

 **prince:** i kissed richie, stan kissed mike

 **prince:** i didn’t want a relationship, mike wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship

 **prince:** i said i didn’t know why i kissed richie so we could address it and move on without making things weird, stan said he didn’t know why he kissed mike assumedly to also not make things weird

 **prince:** but the key difference here is that stan is in love with mike and richie and i have always just been best friends, so i don’t understand how the situation is as similar as you and richie are saying?

 **princess:** jesus fucking christ i really do have to make this as blunt as possible don’t i

 **prince:** ?????

 **princess:** eddie

 **princess:** richie has been in love with you since middle school

 **princess:** he was literally out buying flowers and your favorite food because me and stan convinced him that asking you on a date was a good idea when you texted him saying you didn’t know why you kissed him and that you hoped you could both just move on from it and pretend it never happened because, and let me be clear that you called this a “joke”, you “would never want to kiss that trashmouth anyway”

 **princess:** do you want me to make this even clearer? because i’m going to

 **princess:** you kissed richie at some shitty house party and then left with bill to sleep at his house for the night. richie was completely sober. richie found me and stan at the party and made us go to his house because he was having an actual literal panic attack and needed us to talk him through it. he told us that he didn’t know what to do because he knew you didn’t want a relationship but he also wanted to try and ask you out anyway. stan and i thought that, even if you didn’t want to date him, you would be gentle about it and it would be okay. instead, you told him you would never want to kiss him and don’t know why you did it, while he was buying things he knows you love so he could ask you on a date. he didn't even return the shit he bought, he just took it home and called stan and cried

 **princess:** and i know that’s not your fault and i’m not blaming you and i’m sorry if the way i’m wording this sounds like it but it’s been three years since that happened and richie is still turning down dates and avoiding relationships because he doesn’t think it would be fair to be with someone else while being in love with you and the rest of us have been watching him torture himself and waiting for you to realize that you’re in love with him too

 **princess:** and maybe i shouldn’t be telling you this maybe it's not my place but stan and mike just got their shit together and i want you and richie to get your shit together too because i hate seeing him put himself through hell like this and i’m not even the person he talks to about this!! he talks to stan about it but sometimes he looks at you and he looks so fucking sad and i can’t deal with it anymore and if you don’t want to date him then that’s fine but you need to sit him down and tell him that so he can move one

 **princess:** that is what you aren’t seeing

 **princess:** okay?

 **prince:** fuck


	8. pussy play date and a sprinkling of angst

_[ can’t spell eddie without die! - 11:02 am ]_

 

 **snowben:** so uh

 **snowben:** richard 

 **snowben:** did u have something u wanted to share with the group?

 **richmas tree:** ,,no?

 **snowben:** oh really?

 **snowben:** that’s interesting

 **snowben:** because i came into class and you werent here and i just thought maybe you were running late but you wouldn’t believe what prof g just asked me

 **richmas tree:** ah

 **richmas tree:** fuck

 **richmas tree:** go on

 **snowben:** jogging your memory, am i? 

 **snowben:** she asked me why my very smart and talented friend richie decided to drop out in the middle of a semester

 **richmas tree:** yeah that is a thing that i did uh

 **richmas tree:** look

 **bevnog:** WHAT THE FUCK RICHIE

 **jingle bills:** ????? YOU??? WHAT???? 

 **gingerbread stan:** i love being the one richie tells everything to 

 **gingerbread stan:** it makes moments like these so much more entertaining and fun

 **merry edsmas:** yOU DROPPED OUT??

 **richmas tree:** L O O K

 **richmas tree:** college is cool and all but it’s not for me and now that i’m not in the dorms i don’t need to keep attending so i’m not

 **saint michealous:** i mean

 **saint michealous:** i don’t know why everyone’s freaking out

 **saint michealous:** it was pretty obvious that college was making you miserable so i’m glad you did this

 **merry edsmas:** but then why did you attend for almost three years???

 **richmas tree:** financial aid covered my living costs so i could live there for free and all i had to do was take classes and maintain a good gpa which i can easily do but it fucking drains me every god damn day because it’s so boring and makes me so unhappy like holy FUCK

 **richmas tree:** but i just got a job and moved in with you and i can afford my half of the bills so there’s no point in me going anymore

 **bevnog:** im

 **bevnog:** im actually not surprised because mike’s right college was obviously killing you but why didnt you teLL US

 **snowben:** ^^^^

 **jingle bills:** ):

 **richmas tree:** why are u frowning denbro

 **jingle bills:** i already know ur answer for not telling us will make me sad so im preparing for it 

 **richmas tree:** no it wont u dramatic asshole

 **richmas tree:** i consulted with stan to make sure it wasnt a stupid decision and then i went it and dropped out and that was that

 **richmas tree:** honestly i’m surprised i haven’t mentioned it already bc i did that like a week ago lmao i guess it just didn’t cross my mind

 **merry edsmas:** wh?? a weeK AGO??? but youve still been walking w me to my classes all week? 

 **richmas tree:** well yeah i’ve been doing that since middle school i’m not gonna stop tradition now. besides the restaurant i work at is right off campus so i just line up my ten minutes breaks with ur classes.

 **bevnog:** that is the cutest shit i’ve read all week

 **bevnog:** wait no that’s a lie because everything audra and patty send me is the cutest shit ever

 **bevnog:** so that’s second place

 **bevnog:** still cute as fuck tho

 **jingle bills:** wait the

 **jingle bills:** do u mean the restaurant stan works at? u work at the same place now?

 **richmas tree:** hell fuckin yeah we do

 **saint michealous:** SORRY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT BUT EVERYONE FIND THE NEAREST WINDOW AND LOOK OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW

 **merry edsmas:** IS THAT

 **snowben:** HOLY FUCK

 **gingerbread stan:** I JUST STARTED CRYING

 **gingerbread stan:** THATS FUCKING SNOW MY DUDES

 **gingerbread stan:** WE GOT EARLY SNOW

* * *

_[ can’t spell eddie without die! - 12:35 pm ]_

 

 **jingle bills:** i think stan has hypothermia

 **merry edsmas:** who let him go outside

 **snowben:** HE LOOKED SO EXCITED I COULDNT SAY NO

 **saint michealous:** BEN HE WAS HOSPITALIZED LAST YEAR FOR BEING IN THE SNOW FOR SO LONG HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED 

 **bevnog:** audra and patty were looking at my phone and saw these messages and i never realized how weird the conversations we have are until they pointed it out to me and just

 **bevnog:** what the fuck is wrong with our friend group what tje fuck what the Fuck

 **richmas tree:** i would like to remind everyone that he was only in the er for like thirty minutes where the doctor deadass said “dont fucking sit in the snow for five hours dumbass” and then gave stan a blanket and told us to leave because stan was fine just very very cold

 **jingle bills:** yeah but like

 **jingle bills:** actual hypothermia

 **jingle bills:** mayhaps

 **snowben:** yea no we might take him to the er again because he is. Frozen.

 **merry edsmas:** god dammit this is the third year in a row theyre gonna know stan as the weird guy who always plays in the snow for too long every year despite being an actual adult

 **saint michealous:** ill meet u guys at the er if ur taking him there

 **richmas tree:** mike i already loved u but u being a good boyfriend to stan makes me love u ten times more holy fucking shit

 **merry edsmas:** richies crying lmao

 **richmas tree:** no im NOT fuck OFF

 **merry edsmas:** he’s totally crying

 **gingerbread stan:** eddie!!!! if he is crying you HUG HIM!!!!! WE’VE DISCUSSED THIS!!!!!! RICHIE NEEDS PHYSICAL CONTACT AS A SOURCE OF COMFORT!!!!! 

 **snowben:** so the car heater is helping revive stan’s frozen limbs if him sending that message wasn’t enough of an indication 

 **snowben:** but also yes eddie if he is crying hug him right now

 **richmas tree:** IM NOT CRYING

 **richmas tree:** AND IM NOT A FUCKING BABY

 **bevnog:** none of us think ur a baby richie we just know that hugging and hand holding are how u draw comfort from people ur a very touchy feely person and physical contact helps you even with happy dumb tears 

 **snowben:** bill is driving but he wants me to say that he agrees v strongly with what bev said 

 **merry edsmas:** SHIT

 **merry edsmas:** RICHIE IM SORRY

 **merry edsmas:** RICHIE

_[ richmas tree left the chat ]_

**merry edsmas:** FUCK

 **merry edsmas:** THIS IS WHY YOU GIYS CANT YELL AT ME I PANIC AND DO SOMETHING STUPID FUCK INFUCKED UP SHIT

 **snowben:** what the fuck

 **saint michealous:** ???????

 **gingerbread stan:** hey richie texted me and uh

 **gingerbread stan:** eddie i love you 

 **gingerbread stan:** but what part of “hug him” made you think you should kiss him and then immediately start laughing

 **bevnog:** EDDIE

 **merry edsmas:** I DONT KNOW I FUCKED UP IM SO CONFUSED I DIDNT MEAN TO I JUST

 **merry edsmas:** SHIT STAN TELL HIM TO COME BACK SO I CAN TALK TO HIM PLEASE

 **gingerbread stan:** i’m sorry but i’m not gonna do that unless i know you’re not gonna panic and say something that will make this worse

* * *

_[ royalty - 12:53 pm ]_

 

 **princess:** EDDIE WHAT THE FUCK

 **prince:** I DONT KNOW ITS JUST BEEN ON MY MIND EVER SINCE YOU TOLD ME HES IN LOVE WITH ME AND IVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF MAYBE YOURE RIGHT AND MAYBE I FEEL THE SAME AND THEN HE WAS ACTUALLY LIKE TEARING UP A LITTLE BIT AND THE ENTIRE GC WAS TELLING ME TONHUG HIM AND HE LOOKED ALL CUTE AND FRUSTRATED AND INJUST KISSED HIM WITHOUT THINKING AND THEN I PANICKED AND WHEN I PANIC I LAUGH AND I STARTED LAUGHING AND BEFORE I COULD SAY ANYTHING HE WALKED AWAY AND I TRIED TO GO AFTER HIM AND GET HIM TO TALK BUT HE JUST IGNORED ME AND KEPT WALKING

 **princess:** oh jesus

 **princess:** okay

 **princess:** first of all, i want to make it clear that no one is mad at you

 **prince:** stan seems mad

 **princess:** okay stan might be frustrated but that’s because richie’s probably on his way to him to cry on his shoulder but he’s not actually mad AT you he’s mad at what you did

 **princess:** second of all, don’t contact richie 

 **prince:** WHAT 

 **prince:** WHAT THE FUCK WHY 

 **princess:** if you try to talk to him before you know what you want to say this will only get worse

 **princess:** so i want you to take a day or two, or however long you need, and i need you to decide if you’re going to try dating him or if you’re going to reject him

 **princess:** i know this is a lot and i’m so so sorry but i honestly don’t think richie can handle any uncertainties right now so you have to be 100% sure about what you decide and what you want to say

 **princess:** until then, richie will probably stay at stan’s place or my place

 **princess:** i’ll try to not get his hopes up or down and i’ll tell stan the same but that’s all we can really do to help you out here eddie 

 **princess:** you have to figure out what you want

 **prince:** i want to go back to when i didnt know the idiot loved me and i wasnt so fucking confused all the fucking time

 **princess:** eddie

 **prince:** i know i know

 **prince:** i’ll get to thinking

* * *

_[ the best couple - 6:05 pm ]_

 

 **farmfucker:** hows richie?

 **birdfucker:** fucking distraught

 **birdfucker:** i never thought i could be this angry at one of my best friends but i really really REALLY want to punch eddie in the face

 **farmfucker:** thats not true 

 **birdfucker:** no its not

 **birdfucker:** but i am mad

 **farmfucker:** no youre not

 **birdfucker:** god dammit mike stop knowing me so well it’s kind of eerie 

 **farmfucker:** ((:

 **birdfucker:** okay FINE i’m not MAD

 **birdfucker:** i’m upset

 **farmfucker:** which is very understandable

 **farmfucker:** i’m kinda upset too

 **farmfucker:** for richie and for eddie

 **birdfucker:** i just hate how long this has taken them and like it’s so OBVIOUS that eddie loves richie but for some reason he just hasn’t realized it and it’s not his fault but i want him to realize it Now so that they can be Happy 

 **farmfucker:** i think he is starting to realize it

 **farmfucker:** like

 **farmfucker:** i think thats why he kissed richie

 **farmfucker:** bc hes starting to realize his feelings? maybe? and that could be why he said he’s confused in the gc

 **birdfucker:** hm

 **birdfucker:** maybe

 **birdfucker:** hopefully

 **birdfucker:** i guess we're gonna have to wait and see but for now i have a richie to comfort so i'll text u later

* * *

_[ can’t spell eddie without die! - 6:30 pm ]_

 

 **bevnog:** look i know things are a little tense right now but audra just got a dog

 **bevnog:** she named him kitty because richie named his cat puppy

 **bevnog:** AND HES SO CUTE

 **jingle bills:** hey speaking of pets uh 

 **jingle bills:** ben and i might have missed having puppy at our place and decided to get our own cat

 **jingle bills:** she was already assigned a name at the shelter and they told us that if we want to change it then to keep the same first letter

 **jingle bills:** and like theres nothing wrong with the name miranda but ben and i dont want our cat named that so

 **jingle bills:** any ideas for names starting with m 

 **snowben:** bill shot down my idea for marshmallow because thats bev’s nickname for when she’s sad

 **saint michealous:** monkey

 **gingerbread stan:** oh that's cute

 **gingerbread stan:** i vote monkey

 **bevnog:** are you voting that because you actually like it or because your boyfriend suggested it

 **gingerbread stan:** yes

 **bevnog:** fair enough 

 **snowben:** monkey it is!!

 **jingle bills:** also i said something about how puppy and our cat could be friends and then ben said “pussy play date” and i said that sounded like a lesbian sex term

 **bevnog:** it’s not but it should be

 **saint michealous:** i hate that

 **gingerbread stan:** i’m starting a kickstarter to make that an official lesbian sex term

 **saint michealous:** i HATE that 

 **gingerbread stan:** back my kickstarter babe 

 **saint michealous:** i hate it slightly less but only because you called me babe


	9. hey guys ben and bill are in love did you know that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two new chats, sort of!! there's a temporary side chat but they're names in the gc are just their normal names so i don't need to make a list for that. the second new chat is as follows
> 
>  **high school musical but platonic:**  
>  troy bolton - ben  
> gabriella montez - beverly

_[ can’t spell eddie without die! – 3:16 pm ]_

 

 **jingle bills:** this chat name didn’t age well

 **merry edsmas:** i’m going to throw myself off a fucking bridge

 **bevnog:** uh no you’re fucking not

 **merry edsmas:** no but it sounds appealing right now

 **saint michealous:** it’s gonna be fine eddie just give yourself some time

 **gingerbread stan:** i’m still hhhhh about this whole thing but mike’s right

 **gingerbread stan:** as much as i want to be mad at you nothing that’s happening rn is actually your fault and trust me no matter how things go you and richie will end up just fine

 **gingerbread stan:** you could murder one of us and that boy would defend you to his dying breath

 **gingerbread stan:** pretty sure there’s nothing in the world that could stop you two from at the very least becoming friends again

 **merry edsmas:** that’s really nice and all but it’s been ten days and like i know i need this time to sort through everything and figure shit out before going to richie about it but he isn’t in the group chat anymore and i haven’t seen him or talked to him and he’s such a vital part of my life that i feel like i lost an arm

 **snowben:** you did not lose an arm

 **merry edsmas:** that helps a lot thanks ben

 **snowben:** no like

 **snowben:** idk the best way to say this

 **snowben:** but everything is fine

 **snowben:** the situation sucks and it’s hard and i’m sorry but everything is okay

 **snowben:** we made another temporary group chat with richie so we could all talk throughout the day like we normally do and he’s not as chirpy as usual but he’s okay

 **snowben:** and you’re more stressed than usual but you’re okay

 **snowben:** and this kind of looks harsh but the truth is everything is okay and once you’ve decided how to handle this and you and richie talk about it things are gonna be back to pretty much normal

 **snowben:** so i know it feels huge and like you lost an arm but you didn’t and everything is fine and you don’t need to be putting so much pressure and blame on yourself right now

 **jingle bills:** my boyfriend is hot as fuck yall

 **snowben:** bill

 **jingle bills:** sorry sorrysorrysorry

 **bevnog:** no bill’s right ur hot man

 **bevnog:** if i weren’t a lesbian i would still be dating you two

 **saint michealous:** i feel as though we’ve strayed from the point

 **gingerbread stan:** yeah i’m kind of lost right now

 **snowben:** i don’t know how this happened

 **jingle bills:** it was my fault sorry

 **jingle bills:** did you get the point of what ben said, ed?

 **merry edsmas:** yeah i did

 **merry edsmas:** that actually is really good to hear thank you ben

 **snowben:** <3

 **merry edsmas:** and i agree with bill and bev, you are indeed hot

 **jingle bills:** RIGHT

 **jingle bills:** especially when he gives advice like that and he’s super confident and sure like holy SHIT i am in LOVE this is my future HUSBAND

 **snowben:** WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

 **gingerbread stan:** so are yall engaged yet and forgot to tell us or

 **snowben:** NO WE AREN’T

 **snowben:** im so confused why are we talking about me right now

 **saint michealous:** because you’re hot

 **gingerbread stan:** i mean yeah can’t deny the obvious

 **snowben:** stop this right now

 **bevnog:** let us praise you Benjamin

 **snowben:** No

 **jingle bills:** don’t make me consult the king of compliments on this babe

 **snowben:** you won’t

 **jingle bills:** say you’re hot

 **snowben:** not happening

 **jingle bills:** you have five seconds

 **snowben:** no

 **jingle bills:** you’ve made ur choice then

 **snowben:** bill

 **snowben:** bill what are you doing

 **snowben:** bill???

* * *

_[ temporary side chat – 3:29 pm ]_

 

 **bill:** Richard

 **ben:** no

 **richie:** ???????

 **bill:** is ben hot

 **bev:** oh my god did you really have to drag this conversation into both group chats

 **bill:** yes i fucking did

 **bill:** answer the question richie

 **richie:** uh??? yes??? obviously???

 **bill:** THAT’S ALL SIX BEN WILL YOU ADMIT YOU’RE HOT NOW

 **ben:** I NEVER SAID I WASN’T I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW

 **mike:** ben ur hot

 **mike:** i don’t understand how or why we’re talking this right now either but ur hot

 **stan:** richie’s been typing for like five minutes is anyone else nervous

 **bev:** nope he’s being richie and typing a novel about why we think ben is hot just wait

 **richie:** not to get like stupid deep about this but ben you are easily one of the best humans to ever exist in the history of forever and you used to be so insecure and self conscious about everything you did and we’ve been telling you since we were kids that you’re amazing and seeing you now when you talk confidently and are so sure of yourself and we compare who you are now to who you used to be it makes us want to hype you up even more because we are deadass so fucking proud of you all the time and like saying your hot is a weird way of expressing that pride but you’re hot as fuck man confidence is sexy and you are more confident now than you have ever been before and we want to give you praise let it happen

 **bev:** told ya

 **stan:** RICHIE YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE SO FUCKING INSIGHTFUL IT MAKES ME CRY

 **stan:** WE TALKED ABOUT THIS

 **richie:** that wasn’t even about you why are you crying

 **stan:** BECAUSE YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE

 **mike:** stan does not want to be vulnerable today and any hint of sentiment makes him mad

 **richie:** ah

 **richie:** well i love you stan

 **stan:** FUCK OFF

 **ben:** richie i love u

 **richie:** <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

 **richie:** ur hot as shit ben

 **bill:** sometimes i worry that all of us are in love with ben

 **bev:** don’t worry denbrough

 **bev:** we all love him

 **bev:** but YOU are gonna marry him

 **bill:** you’re god damn fucking right i am

 **mike:** that is the cutest shit i’ve ever seen

 **richie:** u ever cry over how in love ur friends are

 **ben:** i mean that also made me cry so idk what to say here

 **stan:** i’m just saying

 **stan:** they’re gonna be engaged before college is over

 **stan:** i bet ten bucks

 **bev:** i agree with you but i’m always down for a good bet so how about ten bucks and a tattoo

 **bill:** oh my god

 **mike:** stan before you agree to this bev define what you mean by tattoo

 **bev:** i mean

 **bev:** if i lose

 **bev:** which i probably will bc i’m surprised ben and bill aren’t already engaged tbfh

 **bev:** then i will owe stan ten bucks

 **bev:** and he will get to pick out a tattoo for me

 **bev:** within reasonable limitations obviously but that can be discussed when someone loses

 **bev:** and then also vice versa if stan loses by some miracle

 **richie:** holy shit i kind of want in on this

 **stan:** no betting is bev and i’s thing back off tozier

 **richie:** yall worry me sometimes

 **bev:** stan?

 **stan:** ur on marshmallow

 **ben:** is today like

 **ben:** real

 **ben:** none of what has happened today has felt real

 **ben:** what the fuck

* * *

_[ can’t spell eddie without die! – 3:41 pm ]_

 

 **merry edsmas:** so do i get to know what’s happening or no

 **snowben:** i’m hot

 **snowben:** richie made me cry

 **snowben:** then bill made me cry again

 **snowben:** and then stan and bev made a bet on when bill and i are gonna get engaged

 **merry edsmas:** the usual, then

 **jingle bills:** basically

 **saint michealous:** i’ll show u the other gc when i come over eddie dw

 **merry edsmas:** well hopefully you guys won’t need the other gc for much longer

 **gingerbread stan:** oh??

 **bevnog:** does that mean what i think it means

 **merry edsmas:** yep

 **merry edsmas:** i’ve come to a decision

 **merry edsmas:** now i just need to talk to richie

 **gingerbread stan:** when

 **merry edsmas:** as soon as possible

 **jingle bills:** asap like tonight or asap like tomorrow

 **jingle bills:** bc there’s like two levels of asap and i don’t want you to mean tomorrow and then have something happen today ya feel

 **merry edsmas:** fair point

 **merry edsmas:** um

 **merry edsmas:** tomorrow

 **merry edsmas:** breakfast

 **merry edsmas:** the diner on campus?

 **merry edsmas:** is that possible stan or does he work tomorrow

 **gingerbread stan:** he does but not until evening so that’s just fine

 **merry edsmas:** 9 am?

 **gingerbread stan:** i’ll make sure he’s there

 **merry edsmas:** thank you  <3

* * *

_[ high school musical but platonic – 2:51 am ]_

 

 **troy bolton:** hey bev

 **troy bolton:** ur awake right

 **gabriella montez:** always

 **gabriella montez:** what’s up benny boy

 **troy bolton:** nothing really i just wanted to let you know something

 **gabriella montez:** ??? okay??? what is it???

 **troy bolton:** you lost the bet

 **gabriella montez:** wh

 **gabriella montez:** i’m sorry

 **gabriella montez:** i what now

 **troy bolton:** the bet with stan

 **troy bolton:** you lost

 **gabriella montez:** wait

 **gabriella montez:** WAIT

 **gabriella montez:** BEN WHAT

 **gabriella montez:** BENJAMIN HANSCOM GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE

 **gabriella montez:** BEN YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME

 **gabriella montez:** YOU CANT DROP A BOMB LIKE THAT AND DISAPPEAR

 **gabriella montez:** BEN I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

 **gabriella montez:** CAN I AT LEAST KNOW IF THERE WAS A RING INVOLVED

 **gabriella montez:** YOU CAN TELL ME THE REST LATER BUT JUST AT LEAST GIVE ME THAT AT LEASE TELL ME IF THERE WAS A RING BEN PLEASE

 **troy bolton:** there was a ring

 **gabriella montez:** okay thank you i will leave you alone for now but if i don’t hear the full story tomorrow i will murder you AND your fiance with my bare hands

 **troy bolton:** fiance :D

 **gabriella montez:** you make it very hard to be angry with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happened
> 
> lmao this has literally no plot i'm just kind of going with the slow and letting my hands move faster than my brain and now denscom are engaged and beverly has to get a tattoo so there ya go


	10. established gays only

_[ can’t spell eddie without die! - 11:12 am ]_

 

_[ merry edsmas added Richie Tozier to the chat ]_

_[ merry edsmas changed Richie Tozier’s name to richmas tree ]_

_[ merry edsmas changed the chat name to **established gays only** ]_

**merry edsmas:** problem solved yall

 **saint michealous:** THANK FUCKING GOD

 **saint michealous:** wait

 **saint michealous:** define solved

 **gingerbread stan:** they’re dating

 **snowben:** how do you already know that stan

 **richmas tree:** hi im richie and i tell stan every development in my life approximately ten seconds after they happen

 **merry edsmas:** he stopped kissing me and said “wait i have to tell stan”

 **jingle bills:** i can’t tell what’s more wholesome

 **jingle bills:** richie and eddie finally getting together

 **jingle bills:** or richie and stan’s friendship

 **bevnog:** how about you and ben getting engaged at two in the morning

 **snowben:** beverly,,,,, i knew u were gonna do that,,, but still,,, why,,,,,

 **merry edsmas:** IM SORRY

 **merry edsmas:** WHAT

 **gingerbread stan:** I FUCKING KNEW IT

 **richmas tree:** HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS

 **jingle bills:** lol

 **saint michealous:** DONT YOU FUCKING LOL US RIGHT NOW DENBROUGH WHAT THE FUCK

 **gingerbread stan:** i was hOPING THAT MAKING THAT BET AND MENTIONING IT WOULD PUT THE IDEA IN THEIR HEADS TO JUST DO IT ALREADY

 

 **jingle bills:** you act like you figured this all out on your own when u were literally there to help me pick out a ring

 **gingerbread stan:** i was also there to help ben pick out his ring for you because you two are stupidly in sync and decided at the same time that you wanted to propose to one another

 **bevnog:** YOU HELPED WITH THE RINGS ????

 **richmas tree:** sO THATS THE THING YOU COULDNT TELL ME ABOUT

 **richmas tree:** okay that makes a lot of sense actually the only times we don’t tell each other stuff is when it’s things we have to keep secret for others

 **gingerbread stan:** yea u have a Lot of secrets hidden from me

 **richmas tree:** people tell me a lot of secrets what can i say im just too trustworthy

 **merry edsmas:** hi can we go back to the engagement please

 **merry edsmas:** like

 **merry edsmas:** why did it happen at two in the morning for one thing

 **snowben:** it was like 1-1:30 ish actually i didn’t text bev until a little bit after

 **bevnog:** celebratory engagement sex was probably a priority over telling me i lost a bet so that is understandable

 **jingle bills:** i mean yeah not gonna lie

 **saint michealous:** back to the story pls

 **jingle bills:** oh i found the ring ben got for me

 **snowben:** to be fair i probably shouldn’t have stored it in the night stand on my side of the bed and assumed he would never open the drawer and see it

 **jingle bills:** i was looking for a pen and you literally told me to check your night stand

 **snowben:** it was one in the morning okay

 **snowben:** i’m not smart at one in the morning

 **jingle bills:** no but i just like saw the lil box and was like,,,,,,,well thats not the one i bought,,,,

 **jingle bills:** so i just kinda picked it up and took it out to the living room and was like so uh,,, what’s this for,,

 **merry edsmas:** WHATS THIS FOR IMFJDJ BILL

 **bevnog:** that is the least romantic way to address finding an engagement ring oh my god

 **jingle bills:** to reiterate, it was one in the morning

 **jingle bills:** i needed to finish editing my essay

 **jingle bills:** i went to find a pen

 **jingle bills:** and instead found an engagement ring

 **jingle bills:** while knowing full well that the engagement ring i bought for ben was hidden in our closet

 **jingle bills:** so EXCUSE ME for not thinking of the romantic way to approach the subject

 **saint michealous:** i mean understandable

 **gingerbread stan:** continue with the story please i need to start my shift in five minutes and i refuse to start working until after i hear the whole thing so GET TO IT

 **snowben:** JESUS OKAY

 **snowben:** he asked me what the ring was for and i just kinda was like uhhhhhhh,,,,,,,, well,,,,,,,

 **snowben:** like i just

 **snowben:** i could not come up with a good excuse for having it other than the truth so i just kind of shut down and said nothing

 **jingle bills:** yeah no he looked like he stopped breathing i was almost concerned but we were both dead tired like i was editing a paper and he was studying for an exam and we both just needed to Sleep but we weren’t bc we are dumb

 **jingle bills:** so when he said nothing i just deadass asked him when he was planning to propose bc i couldn’t think of anything else to say and he said he was hoping to do it by or on my birthday

 **snowben:** on ur birthday was the goal but i wasn’t sure

 **jingle bills:** and then i was just like hA I WAS PLANNING TO PROPOSE BEFORE THAT SO I WOULD HAVE BEATEN YOU TO IT

 **richmas tree:** is proposing first like a race like does the first person to propose win something

 **bevnog:** bragging rights, i assume

 **snowben:** THATS SO UNFAIR THOUGH YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO WAIT UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY BUT DECIDED TO DO IT NEW YEARS EVE INSTEAD WHICH JS LITERALLY DAYS BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY

 **jingle bills:** those days Count and i am the winner so ha

 **gingerbread stan:** that’s cute but THE STORY PLEASE MY MANAGER IS GOING TO TAKE MY PHONE AWAY FROM ME IF IM NOT UP AND WORKING IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES

 **snowben:** oh i mean after that is simple bc him saying he was gonna propose first let me know he was also planning to propose obviously so like any nerves went away bc that obviously meant we both wanted the same thing so he went and got out the ring he bought for me and we put the rings on each other and we both cried and now we’re engaged

 **richmas tree:** also celebratory engagement sex

 **jingle bills:** yeah obviously

 **saint michealous:** so when’s the wedding then

 **merry edsmas:** asap i hope bc i’ve been ready to be bills best man since him and ben got together

 **richmas tree:** um?? why would u be bills best man???? what if i want to be bills best man

 **jingle bills:** eddie is gonna be my best man

 **snowben:** mike is gonna be mine

 **richmas tree:** WHAT THE FUCK WHY NOT ME

 **bevnog:** you’re obviously gonna be stan’s best man richie calm down

 **bevnog:** and i’m getting ordained and performing all of your weddings

 **bevnog:** is performing the right word

 **bevnog:** whatever u know what i mean im the official officiant

 **gingerbread stan:** this feels so weird because we’ve never talked about this as a group but i’m pretty sure all of us know exactly how all of our weddings are gonna go

 **saint michealous:** i’m bens best man, he’ll be mine

 **saint michealous:** stan and richie will be each other’s best men

 **saint michealous:** eddie and bill will be each other’s best men

 **saint michealous:** and bev has been dead set on being the officiant at all of our weddings since middle school so that’s pretty obvious

 **merry edsmas:** bev what about for your wedding

 **bevnog:** i mean im unsure how things will work in terms of like bridesmaids and all that shit but i am dead set on richie being the officiant

 **richmas tree:** FUCK YES

 **jingle bills:** jfdjjd whY

 **bevnog:** i don’t know if im gonna marry patty and audra but i do know that no matter what it’s gonna be a lesbian wedding which is already frowned upon by a lot of people so might as well put the cherry on top by letting richie make as many gay jokes as he can

 **bevnog:** plus he’s funny and i want my wedding to be very fun and light and not like Super Emotional i want it to be a party

 **richmas tree:** as officiant of ur wedding may i request you and whoever you end up marrying walk down the aisle to africa by toto

 **bevnog:** bold of you to assume that wasn’t already my plan

* * *

_[ dumb and dumber - 9:52 am ]_

 

 **dumb:** are u off work yet

 **dumb:** puppy is being very affectionate

 **dumb:** which obviously i love and she is the cutest and i am more than happy to cuddle w her she is the best cat ever i love her sm

 **dumb:** but i need to work on this essay that’s due later today and she is making it So Difficult pls help me

 **dumber:** this is

 **dumber:** the cutest fucjgin thhing ive read all week oh my godjf

 **dumb:** we literally just heard the story of ben and bill getting engaged like two days ago

 **dumber:** yes but am i in love with ben and bill?

 **dumber:** at one point maybe but not currently

 **dumb:** AT ONE POINT FJFJFJGJ RICHIE WHAT

 **dumber:** look

 **dumber:** i am but a simple man

 **dumber:** i am in love with all of my friends at least just a little bit

 **dumber:** not the same way as i am in love with you but enough that in high school i was Very confused All of the time

 **dumber:** especially because i’ve known since sixth grade that ur like. ur it for me. but then i thought i might also like literally all of our friends and i was just like wHAT DOES THIS MEAN before realizing ur friends can be ur soulmates too just a lil bit differently

 **dumb:** and you had the AUDACITY to call what i said cute before saying the cutest fucking thing ever what the FUCK

 **dumber:** hoW is that anywhere CLOSE to how cute u and puppy cuddling is ??? hm?????

 **dumb:** idk ur just cute

 **dumber:** im

 **dumber:** give me like five minutes i am sprinting home because that made my heart go Oof and now i have to kiss you

 **dumb:** YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO DISTRACT ME I REALLY DO NEED TO WRITE THIS ESSAY

 **dumber:** WELL THEN YOU SHOULDNT HAVE CALLED ME CUTE

* * *

_[ lesbian revolution – 10:31 pm ]_

 

 **blondie:** Beverly Marsh

 **short stack:** that looks intimidating

 **short stack:** may i help you Patricia Blum

 **blondie:** oh yeah that is intimidating dfjdkh whoops

 **intellectual:** Audra Phillips

 **short stack:** uh… u good audie

 **intellectual:** i wanted to be included

 **short stack:** understandable i guess jkfhkjfh

 **blondie:** BEVERLY MARSH

 **short stack:** jESUS CHRIST THAT FEELS SO SCARY WHAT DID I DO

 **blondie:** tomorrow

 **blondie:** breakfast

 **blondie:** our place

 **blondie:** you have class at 10 so like 8 or 8:30 ish if that’s okay

 **short stack:** this feels oddly serious is there a specific reason for this breakfast or am i just reading into it

 **intellectual:** there is indeed a specific reason but we will not tell you what it is until tomorrow

 **blondie:** it’s not a bad thing tho in case you were getting nervous

 **short stack:** i mean i’m still nervous but okay i will be there at eight for breakfast

* * *

_[ the best couple – 3:31 pm ]_

 

 **farmfucker:** hey stan has richie like

 **farmfucker:** talked to u about being sad lately

 **birdfucker:** no? he’s actually been super happy the past few days now that him and eddie are together

 **birdfucker:** like disgustingly happy

 **birdfucker:** why what happened

 **farmfucker:** uh

 **farmfucker:** hm

 **farmfucker:** now i feel like i shouldn’t tell you if he hasn’t already gone to you about it

 **birdfucker:** mike what the fuck happened

 **farmfucker:** nothing really just

 **farmfucker:** idk i went to visit him at work bc i had time between classes and wanted to get some lunch anyway and he just looked like he’d been crying

 **farmfucker:** like his nose and eyes were red

 **farmfucker:** and like he cries pretty regularly so i wasn’t too concerned i figured he probably either laughed until he cried over something or whatever made him cry was something small but i asked him if he was okay because if it wasn’t anything big i knew he would just tell me what made him cry yk

 **farmfucker:** like he gets pissy when we point out he cries a lot but he’s pretty open about that stuff

 **farmfucker:** but he just kind of dismissed it and didn’t even smile just asked me what i wanted to order and like idk he just seemed off and weird and i figured you would know something about it

 **birdfucker:** that’s,,,,weird

 **birdfucker:** hold on

* * *

_[ bisexual alignment chart – 3:39 pm ]_

 

 **established bi:** hey rich u available

 **disaster bi:** always

 **disaster bi:** what’s up

 **established bi:** mike said you seemed a little off when he went to see you today and i was just wondering if you wanted to talk about it

 **neutral bi:** if there’s anything to talk about at all, i might have been looking into it and assuming the worst

 **disaster bi:** nah im good fam

 **established bi:** which is richie for something’s wrong and you’re trying to pretend it isn’t

 **disaster bi:** hey uhhhh, shut the fuck

 **disaster bi:** im fuckin peachy stan man

 **established bi:** which is richie for whatever’s wrong is pretty big

 **disaster bi:** dude

 **disaster bi:** honestly sincerely just fuck off with that

 **neutral bi:** stan i think we should drop it for now

 **established bi:** hm

* * *

_[ frick and frack – 3:45 pm ]_

 

 **frack:** richie tozier i’m not dropping this and you know it

 **frick:** i know but that doesn’t mean i’m happy about it

 **frack:** what’s going on?

 **frack:** i thought you were doing really good especially with everything that happened

 **frick:** i am

 **frick:** like holy fuck i’m so fucking happy right now

 **frick:** like SO happy

 **frick:** i didn’t even know it was possible to be this happy

 **frack:** then what’s wrong?

 **frack:** and you can’t say nothing bc the way you just responded in the gc confirmed that something’s up

 **frick:** idk

 **frack:** richie

 **frick:** no like

 **frick:** i literally don’t know

 **frick:** i just feel?? weird??

 **frick:** kinda heavy

 **frick:** like i’m dreaming but not really in a good way but not necessarily in a bad way either

 **frick:** i don’t know

 **frick:** i’m fine like i am literally fine and happy and okay

 **frick:** but like a couple times a day i just feel like crying and i have to sit down and let it happen

 **frack:** has anything happened recently that could be making you feel weird?

 **frack:** maybe it’s just some stress building up or something

 **frick:** maybe

 **frack:** if u want to come over to talk about it or anything u know u can

 **frick:** yeah i know i just don’t know how to talk about something i don’t quite understand yet

 **frack:** that’s fair

 **frack:** just don’t shut me out tozier because i WILL fight my way back in

 **frick:** i know you will

* * *

_[ established gays only – 6:52 pm ]_

 

 **bevnog:** oh uh

 **bevnog:** before i forget

 **bevnog:** i had breakfast w patty n audra today

 **bevnog:** and guess who is moving in w her girlfriends B)

 **merry edsmas:** considering you are the only person in this chat with a girlfriend i’m gonna assume you

 **snowben:** AW THAT’S SO GREAT BEV!! congrats!!

 **saint michealous:** your useless lesbian days are over, im so proud

 **bevnog:** :o

 **bevnog:** am i an established lesbian now

 **richmas tree:** peep the chat name u wouldn’t be here if u werent

 **gingerbread stan:** that’s not true bc ur a disaster bi but ur still here

 **richmas tree:** rude

 **richmas tree:** true, but rude

 **jingle bills:** that is really good news bev im v happy for u

 **bevnog:** actually while we’re talking about them would yall be against me adding them to this gc or should i make another gc with all of us so we can keep this one just the seven of us

 **saint michealous:** i think adding them here would be fine tbh

 **jingle bills:** yeah we have enough side chats as it is we don’t need to add another chat to this mess

 **richmas tree:** gay panic

 **snowben:** don’t u dare mention that chat Richard

 **saint michealous:** richie,,, ,i’ll fight u. i will do it.

 **richmas tree:** yall are no fun but fine

 **merry edsmas:** wait what chat was that

 **richmas tree:** ….,,,nothing

 **richmas tree:** i regret mentioning it

 **richmas tree:** let’s move on beverly quick add ur girlfriends pls

_[ bevnog added Audra Phillips and Patty Blum to the chat ]_

**bevnog:** wait they need nicknames

 **gingerbread stan:** THEY NEED NICKNAMES

 **Patty Blum:** i guess we need nicknames

 **Patty Blum:** also hi

_[ Audra Phillips changed their name to holly jolly audie ]_

**holly jolly audie:** is this acceptable

 **merry edsmas:** IS AUDIE A NICKAME FOR YOU BECAUSE THAT’S REALLY CUTE

 **holly jolly audie:** only bev and pat can call me audie but thank u

_[ Patty Blum changed their name to mistlehoe ]_

**bevnog:** PATTY

 **mistlehoe:** what

 **mistlehoe:** i think this is good

 **richmas tree:** i’ll be honest, i’m kind of mad that i didn’t think of mistlehoe first

 **merry edsmas:** richmas tree is cute tho

 **richmas tree:** you only say that because we’re dating

 **merry edsmas:** maybe a little but i really do think it’s cute

 **bevnog:** mistehoe is good but the point of festive nicknames is to put our own names into them

 **mistlehoe:** well

_[ mistlehoe changed their named to mistlehoe patty ]_

**mistlehoe patty:** there

 **bevnog:** that is better thank u


	11. a lover's quarrel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a lil short but i want to go get taco bell so i'll try and get another update out today to make up for the lack of length

_[ established gays only – 1:46 pm ]_

 

 **richmas tree:** WHO WANTS TO HEAR A STORY

 **merry edsmas:** I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD RICHIE IF YOU BLAB ABOUT THIS IM DUMPING YOU AND KICKING YOU OUT OF THE APARTMENT YOULL BE SINGLE AND HOMELESS

 **gingerbread stan:** uh he would only be single because he’d stay with me so that’s a half lie

_[ merry edsmas changed gingerbread stan’s name to **shut the fuck up** ]_

**shut the fuck up:** well that was rude

 **saint michealous:** okay but now we have to hear the story

_[ merry edsmas changed saint michealous’s name to **no you fucking don’t** ]_

**bevnog:** this feels unnecessary

 **merry edsmas:** do you want me to change your name too

 **bevnog:** do it pussy

_[ merry edsmas changed bevnog’s name to **ginger lesbian** ]_

**ginger lesbian:** i actually approve of this thanks

_[ ginger lesbian changed mistlehoe patty’s name to **blonde lesbian** ]_

_[ ginger lesbian changed holly jolly audie’s name to **brunette lesbian** ]_

**brunette lesbian:** excuse me i’m technically a ginger lesbian too

 **ginger lesbian:** SINCE FUCKING WHEN

 **brunette lesbian:** i dye my hair did you not know this jdshkjfh

 **ginger lesbian:** NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT WHAT THE FUCK

 **richmas tree:** i still have a story to tell

 **merry edsmas:** no you fucking DON’T!!

_[ richmas tree changed merry edsmas’s name to **buzzkill barry** ]_

**buzzkill barry:** what the FUCK is THIS

 **richmas tree:** i couldn’t think of a synonym for buzzkill that started with an e

 **buzzkill barry:** so you decided to call me fucking barry

 **buzzkill barry:** don’t you think we have enough people in this group with names starting with a b

 **ginger lesbian:** hey what the fuck barry

 **snowben:** i feel slightly attacked

 **jingle bills:** ur right but i’m offended

 **snowben:** join the b party barry

 **richmas tree:** whats the fuckin

 **richmas tree:** bee

 **richmas tree:** the name of the bee from the movie of bees

 **richmas tree:** fucking

 **shut the fuck up:** barry bee benson from the bee movie?

 **richmas tree:** YES THAT’S THE ONE THANK YOU STANLEY

 **richmas tree:** anyway that’s eddie’s new name

 **buzzkill barry:** NO ITS FUCKING NOT

 **no you fucking don’t:** first of all

_[ no you fucking don’t changed their name to **20miketeen** ]_

**20miketeen:** second of all

 **20miketeen:** what’s your story richie

 **shut the fuck up:** eddie accidentally went up to the wrong person in the store thinking it was richie and kissed their cheek before realizing it was not, in fact, richie

 **buzzkill barry:** GOD FUCKING DAMMIT RICHIE HOW DID YOU ALREADY TELL HIM THAT

 **richmas tree:** BELIEVE IT OR NOT I ACTUALLY WAS JUST ABOUT TO TEXT HIM THE STORY SO I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA HOW HE ALREADY  KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK STAN

 **shut the fuck up:** i was at the store getting ice cream and i just saw u two and was about to go up and say hi when eddie went up to the wrong person so i just left instead

 **buzzkill barry:** you deserve this stan

_[ buzzkill barry changed shut the fuck up’s name to **snitch bitch** ]_

**snitch bitch:** HONESTLY I MISSED THIS NAME SO I’M NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT UPSET

 **ginger lesbian:**   EDDEI FEHDFKSH HOW DID THAT HAPPEN AND ALSO HOW DID THEY REACT

 **buzzkill barry:** THEY HAD THE SAME FUCKING BEANIE THAT RICHIES WEARING AND I WAS LOOKING AT MY PHONE TEXTING BEN SO I JUST SAW THE HAT OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE AND ASSUMED IT WAS RICHIE AND I WENT UP TO SHOW HIM THE PICTURE BEN SENT ME OF SOME IDEAS FOR THEIR WEDDING BECAUSE THEY’RE TRYING TO START FIGURING OUT A BUDGET AND SHIT AND I JUST HAVE A HABIT OF KISSING HIS CHEEK NOW SO I DIDN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT AND THEN THE DUDE WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WHO ARE YOU AND THEN BEHIND ME I HEARD RICHIE LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF AND MY SOUL FUCKING LEFT MY BODY I WANT TO DIE IT WAS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED

 **richmas tree:** IT WAS SO FUNNY BECAUSE I COULD LITERALLY SEE THE EXACT MOMENT HE REALIZED IT WASN’T ME AND HE LOOKED MORTIFIED I CANT FUCKFIGNIDHFKSJ

 **richmas tree:** wait also that reminds me

_[ richmas tree changed snowben’s name to **bill’s fiance** ]_

_[ richmas tree changed jingle bill’s name to **ben’s fiance** ]_

**20miketeen:** that makes me so soft im still so hyped about the engagement

_[ buzzkill barry changed their name to **eddie** ]_

**richmas tree:** no

_[ richmas tree changed eddie’s name to **the hot one** ]_

**the hot one:** i swear to god richie

 **richmas tree:** tHIS WAS YOUR NICKNAME FOR A VERY LONG TIME DON’T GET PISSY WITH ME ABOUT IT

 **the hot one:** IT WAS MY NICKNAME BECAUSE YOU LITERALLY CHANGED IT BACK TO THIS WHENEVER I TRIED TO CHANGE IT

 **richmas tree:** yeah well ur hot so deal with it

 **snitch bitch:** literally how did you never realize richie’s in love with you do you see how obvious he’s been about it since day fuckin one jesus christ eddie

_[ the hot one changed richmas tree’s name to **fucker** ]           _

**the hot one:** shut your FUCKING mouth uris

 **blonde lesbian:** is this what this group chat is always like

 **blonde lesbian:** because holy fucking shit

 **ginger lesbian:** yeah

 **ben’s fiance:** yep

 **20miketeen:** it’s a blessing and a curse

 **bill’s fiance:** this gc is why my phone dies so often

 **fucker:** i like to think it’s charming

 **the hot one:** it is not charming at all but u get used to it

 **snitch bitch:** its annoying as fuck but in an endearing sort of way

 **blonde lesbian:** good to know

 **brunette lesbian:** honestly my phone is going off constantly but this is entertaining so i don’t mind

 **ginger lesbian:** welcome to loser hell

* * *

_[ established gays only – 6:35 pm ]_

 

 **bill’s fiance:** someone please tell my wonderful amazing fiance that i love with my entire heart

 **bill’s fiance:** that as romantic of an idea having doves at a wedding is

 **bill’s fiance:** they are not worth the hassle

 **ben’s fiance:** okay no i know it would be difficult but hear my ouT

 **snitch bitch:** is this, perhaps, a lover’s quarrel ???

 **fucker:** i fuckin hope not ben and bill are the reason why i believe in love in the first place

 **20miketeen:** i want to say that’s dramatic but tbfh me too

 **bill’s fiance:** i’ve been hearing u out and i agree it’s romantic and i’d love to incorporate it somehow but having actual living real doves requires a lot of other expenses and like. we are not the wealthiest couple. but if we can find a way to make fit without having literal doves then i’m all for it

 **ben’s fiance:** hm

 **ben’s fiance:** okay

 **ben’s fiance:** proposition

 **ben’s fiance:** find a way to have like. origami doves or something? or probably something more realistic and nicer looking than origami doves but something similar to create the same effect you know ?

 **bill’s fiance:** maybe!! we can look into our options but yeah i’m okay with something along those lines

 **fucker:** good news guys i still believe in love

 **the hot one:** i feel a little offended i’m not gonna lie

 **snitch bitch:** whenever ben and bill fight it’s literally like the calmest and easiest to solve thing can you believe they were literally meant to be together wow i love

 **ginger lesbian:** we stan true love in this house

 **bill’s fiance:** shut up

 **fucker:** WE STAN TRUE LOVE IN THIS HOUSE!!!

 **brunette lesbian:** speaking from only a few months of knowing all of you but uh

 **brunette lesbian:** we DEFINITELY stan true love in this house

 **blonde lesbian:** ^^^^ agreed

 **20miketeen:** we also stan intellectual lesbians

 **blonde lesbian:** o:

 **brunette lesbian:** <3

 **ginger lesbian:** he’s talking about you two and not me because i am, how do you say,,,

 **ginger lesbian:** a dumbass lesbian

 **snitch bitch:** not anymore, remember?

 **snitch bitch:** you’re an established gay now

 **fucker:** yeah bev we made it from disasters to only kind of disasters

 **the hot one:** that is,,, debatable

 **fucker:** fuckin rude

 **ben’s fiance:** i like to think none of us are disasters

 **fucker:** oh no i am for sure a purebred disaster

 **ginger lesbian:** same

 **ben’s fiance:** well

 **ben’s fiance:** nevermind then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder that ben and bill are in love and the best couple and i adore them so much okay thanks bye


	12. sometimes, fat cats are actually pregnant and not just fat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANNOUNCEMENT:
> 
> i am now willing to write one shots based in this universe and have put up one already (check out the series if u wanna see it) so if anyone has requests for one shots based in this universe lemme know!

_[_ _established_ _gays_ _only —_ _2:31_ _am ]_

 

 **snitch** **bitch:** first kiss, and not the lies we always say because we think being honest will make things awkward, go

 **snitch** **bitch:** mine was richie

 **bill’s** **fiance:** mike

 **ben’s** **fiance:** beverly

 **ginger lesbian:** bill

 **fucker:** mr uris

 **the hot one:** also beverly

 **the hot one:** the same day i realized how gay i am

 **ginger lesbian:** ur welcome

 **20miketeen:** richie

 **fucker:** ;;)))))))

 **20miketeen:** it wasnt that good we were like twelve

 **the hot one:** pffjfjfnf

 **fucker:** to be fair u were my Second kiss and my only prior experience was stan when we were like eight and were like whats kissing???

 **fucker:** but also mike u were shockingly good at kissing for twelve

 **fucker:** whats ur secret

 **20miketeen:** im just a god apparently

 **snitch bitch:** can confirm

 **blonde lesbian:** my first kiss was a boy in fourth grade that i cant remember the name of that kissed me without asking so i punched him and got suspended

 **ginger lesbian:** HE DESERVED IT

 **blonde lesbian:** he rlly did im still proud

 **brunette lesbian:** mine was patty ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **the hot one:** holy shit really

 **brunette lesbian:** yeah patty and i were deadass best friends our entire childhood and started dating in middle school

 **ginger lesbian:** still dunno why they chose to add me in the mix

 **blonde lesbian:** ur cute

 **ginger lesbian:** an acceptable answer thank you

 **ben’s fiance:** stan may i ask why you brought that up at two in the morning

 **snitch bitch:** bc mike and i are being dumb and staying up stupidly late watching movies and we were just talking about random shit and found out that richie was both of our first kisses and then i got curious so

 **ben’s fiance:** fair enough

 **fucker:** wait

 **fucker:** bens first kiss was mike??

 **fucker:** i thought it was beverly

 **bill’s fiance:** in middle school i thought bev might have liked me and i was still crushing on her and i was scared to kiss beverly with no prior experience so i asked mike to kiss me

 **bill’s fiance:** can confirm he was a shockingly good kisser despite it being eighth grade

 **20miketeen:** again, i am a god

 **the hot one:** the only religion i believe in

 **fucker:** oh now THAT’S a mood

 **the hot one:** okay hold on a sec

 **the hot one:** i get why stans first kiss was richie but why was mikes first kiss also richie

 **20miketeen:** bc i had a crush on him when we were 11?

 **the hot one:** WHAT

 **fucker:** did u not know that

 **fucker:** im p sure i told u that

 **fucker:** mike and i were like,,,, the middle school version of dating for like two weeks

 **the hot one:** HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT

 **the hot one:** holy shit so many things make sense now

 **the hot one:** IS THIS WHY YOU CALL EACH OTHER EXES I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE

 **ben’s fiance:** eddie im gonna lose my shit how the fuck did you not know this

 **20miketeen:** yeah thats why we call each other exes kfjfjff

 **20miketeen:** richie was already fuckin head over heels for u tho like oh my gOD i WISH i had a video of how we “broke up”

 **fucker:** no

 **brunette lesbian:** seeing as me and patty dont know this and richie clearly doesnt want this information to be shared can i request you tell us what happened in excruciating detail

 **fucker:** dont

 **blonde lesbian:** mike i will give u twenty dollars and buy you lunch tomorrow

 **20miketeen:** i was gonna do it for free tbh

 **fucker:** MIKE NO

 **the hot one:** oh i have to hear this

 **fucker:** YOU REALLY DONT

 **20miketeen:** BASICALLY it was like two weeks after we started “dating” and he came over to the farm to hang out and i was like, people kiss when theyre dating, so i went fuck it and kissedhim which is why he is my first kiss and he just INSTANTLY burst into tears

 **20miketeen:** like im talking IMMEDIATELY he was sobbing and i was like??? wtF???? and he just started talking about how much he liked eddie and that he didnt want to lose me as a friend because he didnt want to kiss me

 **20miketeen:** and i was just like dude thats fine and we fed the chickens and life went on

 **20miketeen:** there was also an impromptu makeout session when we were seventeen but thats a story for another day

 **fucker:** o lmao i forgot about that one

 **fucker:** there's actually like,...,,,,, a lot to unpack but like not today

 **the hot one:** im starting to think richie cant kiss anyone for the first time without crying

 **fucker:** hey now thats just mean

 **snitch bitch:** and true

 **fucker:** shut

 **fucker:** the FUCK up

* * *

_[ established gays only — 1:21 pm ]_

 

 **ben’s fiance:** attention everyone

 **ben’s fiance:** i have an announcement

 **20miketeen:** ur in love with ben we already know

 **ben’s fiance:** ok yes i am but thats not the announcement

 **the hot one:** ben is in love w u

 **the hot one:** which we also already know

 **ben’s fiance:** yall test my fuckin patience

 **fucker:** what is ur announcement billford

 **ben’s fiance:** ben and i apparently adopted a pregnant cat and did not know

 **snitch bitch:** i

 **snitch bitch:** im sorry but

 **snitch bitch:** how the fuck did u not know

 **bill’s fiance:** we just,,,, we thought she was just very fat. not. not holding baby cats.

 **20miketeen:** ddnt the shelter tELL YOU SHE WAS PREGNANT??????

 **bill’s fiance:** ,,, i dont remember

 **bill’s fiance:** i was too busy petting our new cat

 **fucker:** jesus c hr ist

 **fucker:** wAIT A FUCKIGN S E COND

 **fucker:** DOES THAT MEAN

 **fucker:** ARE THERE KITTENS

 **fucker:** !!! KITT E NS

 **the hot one:** RICHIE WE ARE NOT GETTING ANOTHER CAT

 **fucker:** ki tTen !!!!!

 **ben’s fiance:** there are four kittens

 **ben’s fiance:** f o u r

 **ben’s fiance:** please tell me someone wants a new cat

 **fucker:** E D D I E

 **the hot one:** NO

 **fucker:** EDDIE PELLASE

 **fucker:** PUPPY NEEDS A FRIEND

 **fucker:** AND PUPPY IS TECHNICALLY MY CAT THIS ONE CAN BE YOURS

 **fucker:** UR OWN BABEY KITTEN!!!

 **blonde lesbian:** ....i will take a lil baby kitten

 **brunette lesbian:** two

 **blonde lesbian:** we will take two kittens

 **ginger lesbian:** we’re getting kittens?????!!!!!!!!!

 **brunette lesbian:** two kittens !!

 **ginger lesbian:** AH

 **ginger lesbian:** I COULD CRY

 **fucker:** EDDIDIEKITITEN PLEA SE

 **the hot one:** richie we’d have to train the kitten its not like puppy who was already trained !!!

 **fucker:** OKAY AND??? WE CAN TRAIN A CAT EDS PLS U KNOW U WANT A KITTEN

 **the hot one:** fuck

 **the hot one:** of cOURSE I WANT A KITTEN

 **the hot one:** GOD DAMMIT ITS VERY HARD BEING THE VOICE OF REASON WHEN YOURE SO FUCKING CONVINCING

 **20miketeen:** neither of you two are a voice of reason edward do not lie

 **the hot one:** maybe but at least im trying

 **fucker:** KITEEN?????

 **the hot one:** YES OKAY FINE KITTEN

 **fucker:** !!!!!!

 **fucker:** I LOVE YOU

 **fucker:** SO MUCH

 **bill’s fiance:** stan? mike? we got one more kitten that we are willing to keep but if either of u wants a kitten you can have

 **20miketeen:** i mean

 **20miketeen:** stan?

 **snitch bitch:** do u want the kitten?

 **20miketeen:** highkey yes but im still in a dorm so i cant have a pet

 **snitch bitch:** im naming the kitten pluto and the kitten will be both of ours and just live w me but still also be yours

 **20miketeen:** i have shed a very real t ear

 **ben’s fiance:** that was easier than i thought it would be tbh i wasnt sure anyone would want a cat but like that worked out well

 **ginger lesbian:** patty and audra and i just decided on what to name our kittens

 **fucker:** are they lesbian terms

 **brunette lesbian:** ....maybe

 **bill’s fiance:** which terms

 **blonde lesbian:** um

 **blonde lesbian:** butch and femme

 **blonde lesbian:** which actually works really well because audra’s puppy is named kitty but we call her pussy, which was a joke at first but somehow /stuck, so like? the dykes are thriving

 **the hot one:** god is actually three lesbians with their three pets named after various aspects of lesbianism and suddenly i want to go to church??? religion is saved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been trying to think of a way to introduce kay to this universe and i think... i think i figured it out.... so uh....... next chapter...... kay mccall........

**Author's Note:**

> i don't. i don't fuckin know.


End file.
